Last night I had one of many moments of being totally overwhelmed.
Isabella was in the bath with shampoo in her hair SCREAMING because she didn't want me to wash it out. For some reason she is terrified of the "rinse cycle" of a hair wash. Adelle, meanwhile, is in her crib for a nap but she is crying out of control instead. Both situations are not too big of a deal, even if hearing your children scream is stressful, but it's what my mind adds to the situation that tips me over. I'm thinking "Oh God, I need to rinse her hair, but she is looking at me with fear in her eyes, wanting me to protect her. How am I going to do this without betraying her trust? Why is she so afraid of the water? Did I do something one time that ruined her perspective of a hair wash? Will she always be like this? I also have to deal with Adelle... I need her to sleep cuz if she doesn't she will be up for 3.5 straight hours and I will have a really overtired baby that I don't want to deal with. I can't leave Isabella alone in the bath to rock her, Oh God..."
And my stress levels get higher and higher and I just want to teleport out of the situation. I just don't know what is the best course of action with all the emotional stuff and the loud crying in my head. I manage to reign in my thoughts and make a decision that works for both and 5 minutes later there is total silence. Isabella has almost rinsed hair and Adelle is in the bouncy chair watching us.
This feeling of being overwhelmed ruins motherhood for me in the moment. And it's such a tight string of these moments lately. I know being totally sleep deprived adds to the struggle, but it's such a battle of the mind. I am wanting to figure it out... how to deal.... and I am reminded of another experience: labour.
When I was in labour with Isabella after hour 20 of contractions I had that feeling of wanting to escape my body... I resisted each contraction (making it worse) and it really pushed me mentally. I ended up fatigued, not progressing and with an epidural.
With Adelle's labour, I had more experience and I did not resist the contractions so they progressed well. I was in the moment, knowing the pain was taking me somewhere, instead of trying to drown me. But then at transition that feeling came again.... but my midwife encouraged me into the pushing stage. And then the most overwhelming moment of physical pain of my life was when Adelle's shoulder was stuck coming out. I can't describe to you the enmity I felt with my body. I want to crawl out of my skin as fast as possible. I was clawing and thrashing a bit and all of a sudden, the super experienced nurse put her mouth right to my ear, right where I could focus on it and she gave me one simple instruction: "small pushes". The big picture of my pain disappeared for a moment and in my mind I remember thinking, "I can do that." So small pushes. Then my midwife ordered me on all fours (which was a crazy experience) and again the nurse put her mouth to my ear and whispered another simple instruction: "hold your breath and push hard!" Then I thought "I can do that". So I did and it was all over and the euphoric bliss of the whole experience of pain ending flooded the room, my mind, my body.
I am drawing the wisdom of that situation into this motherhood experience. Allowing the simple instructions of the Holy Spirit to drown out the monologue of stress in my mind and to face each overwhelming moment. I don't need to resist and escape, I can press in and see what this moment has to offer in its experience for the next moment.
I lay Adelle in her crib after nursing her one last time before I go to (interrupted) sleep. I kiss her cheeks for almost a minute. No one is there to see it but the Lord. I feel His smile... no one loves babies like God loves babies. I feel His pleasure over me loving my little girl and I weep for that love from Him to me to her.
I have thought of the story of baby Moses differently after becoming a mother. What an amazing God that not only did he spare Moses from being killed by the Pharoah, but in His mercy, the Pharoah's daughter who adopted Moses designated Moses mother to nurse him and to take care of him (not having to work in the brickyards) until he was a kid. Can you imagine the stress and how overwhelming it would be to have to hide your baby from being killed, then giving him up for his own safety and then having him handed back to take care of in protection of the palace?! God loves mothers, He loves babies.
I start my day with this post and with the knowledge that my God absolutely cares for me and my children and He has all that I need to make it through the overwhelming moments for the sake of JOY in motherhood.
