Adventures with Hannah

Part 1 "Mimi, I can't get lost up here, I don't know my phone number yet!"
A very brilliant reflection for a four year-old, but she didn't quite get the fact that up on a mountain you wouldn't be any better off knowing your number since there was no where to call it.
"But I don't have to worry, I can always find my Mimi"

It was a perfect Autumn day. Not raining, but grey with expressive clouds and a comforting dampness in the air. I wanted to take Hannah to a corn maze but she was being a brat, so I took her up one of the mountains in Victoria instead. It has a breathtaking view of the southern tip of the island, the Gulf Islands and the U.S. It also has a lot of rocks and crags to climb all over. I think it's important (at the right stage) to let a kid challenge their coordination, to blaze the trail, and to see where the paths go. Of course, the lessons I learned in the process were endless.

I would take her along the paths to cool places, but her independence was raring to go. She would say "follow me Mimi!" and take us dangerously close to the edge, or she would slip on a wet rock. "Let's go this way! I know where to go", but ultimately we would hit a dead end and I would say "Hannah, sometimes the best way to get to where you want to go is by sticking to the path". So I would lead by example and follow the path.. and I would hear her behind me "wait for me, oops! ow!" and I would climb up to some cool point and see another breathtaking perspective and say "Hannah come here, you've gotta see this.." and she would say "I'm coming, wait for me" taking the longest way to get there.

She was very entertaining, and she was always safe, despite how irresponsible my care for her sounds by reading this. I was always a step away to catch her fall. Although sometimes I would let her fall. No tears, no scrapes, just a startled look and a dirty bum. She needed to learn her limitations, a healthy fear of the terrain, and how to use self-control.

Again, I caught a glimpse of God, the wise, caring Father, leading us along this rocky terrain of life. Always leading us in the right direction, to wondrous things, even if we can't see past the rocks in front of us. I also heard my voice. "No God, it's THIS way... this is the way I need to go". And He lets me go that way sometimes to learn about why it's so wise to trust Him.

Part 2 We were playing outside at a new park and there was an impressive structure for her to climb on. She started to climb it, but eventually she got to a height that in my wisdom, I knew was too dangerous for her to climb up to. The chances of her falling were great, and if she did fall, she could have really hurt herself. So I told her not to climb any further. She questioned me "Why?" because that's her favorite question, but after I explained she obeyed me. Sometimes she doesn't obey and she whines because her priority is fun, despite the danger.

I was reminded of my interactions with God. His wisdom is indescribably higher than mine, and we are told in the Bible that he is a God that loves His children. So when he steers me in a direction that I think doesn't meet my goals of happiness or fun, I get really upset and confused and I whine and even shake a fist at the sky. But He knows. He's asked me to trust Him, despite not being able to understand all things when I want to know them.

Later on we were at the park and my niece fell and scraped her leg. Dr. Mimi rescued her by checking for blood, and then holding her really close until she calmed down. With tears streaming down her dirty face she said so passionately "Mimi, I really wish that didn't happen". It had ruined her fun. I said to her, "I know" and I almost started crying. I have lived those things. I sit on God's lap and say desperately "God, I really wish that had not happened". Sometimes that perspective lasts a few months, then I am grateful for what I have learned out of the situation. Other hurts last for years: open ended, but still with the assurance that God says "I know".

tolerated intolerance

Spirituality 1 : something that in ecclesiastical law belongs to the church or to a cleric as such 2 : sensitivity or attachment to religious values 4 : the quality or state of being spiritual.

I struggle to understand why appreciating spirituality, a supposed transcendant idealogy, has a set of rules. World-wide journeys in spirituality are celebrated, written about; there are movies made and talk shows devoted. Self-awareness and spiritual enlightenment are buzz words for escaping meaningless and mundance existence and essential aids to overcome unjust or frustrating circumstances.
And yet, people leave the room the minute you start to say that there is 'one way'.

Everyone is searching, and researching the searching of others, but no one wants 'one way'.
"How dare you arrogantly assume that your journey has led you to one single Truth"
It's not that I believe that because someone claims to have the Truth that it should be accepted, but the fact that it is not even respected saddens me. It is one of many reasons that I believe that the quest for "spirituality" in this lifetime is futile and a chasing after the wind. It's a pop trend that changes nothing, it just adds pot pourri to the years where human kind feels lost.

I don't want spirituality, I want Truth.

I cannot deny the existence of a Being more intelligent and more intricate than I am. I don't believe it is in myself because the deeper I dig in self-revelation, the darker the hole gets. My best moments are still mediocre to the inkling I have of perfection. I am not trying to reach perfection in my own strength, but I believe the concept can be entertained. And if a Higher Being is not in me, it is CERTAINLY not in anyone else.

So, there is a Being outside of who I am that perhaps spins the world and has an influence of good and power. Who is this God? What do I need to do in order to be reconciled to Him in this lifetime? If there is a day of reckoning, or Judgment, what do I need to do, or believe in order to be on his side? Is He a Good God (as I understand goodness... helpful to human kind and creation), or evil (destructive towards the world)? If He is good, who is accountable for the evil? Is it humans, or an additional spiritual being?

I cannot believe that there are multiple answers to this. Logic defies the idea that there is a party of deities, each with their own groups and sects and on the day of judgment we all get ushered into different rooms or realms and get sorted out depending on which journey we chose. What if one's beliefs overlapped?? What if you believed in Nirvana and hell. Would a Buddhist god size you up to see if you qualify at the risk of the Catholic God arguing that the individual qualified for hell?

Can we know these kinds of things in this lifetime, or do we just try to be the best we can within the standards that we have been raised with, and hope that we chose the right path? What if you had Down Syndrome or a mentally disabling afflication and were unable to rationalize these types of lifestyle choices... is there justice for you then?Can anyone be 100% sure?

I am.

Do you judge me for it?

Glowing Gummy

colour blind

we know colour blindness is more than just mere tolerance. But it's also not simply identifying the mutual value of races.

it's not identifying.

the satellite effect

I find it really hard to live this life. I think/hope/cling to the thought that there are others out there in the same category, so I will write this entry on the assumption that that is true. You see every now and then I learn something that helps me in my efforts as a human and in my innocence (not arrogance, although that could easily be assumed), I can't wait to get my "learned lesson" out there to hopefully help others, so here goes...

God speaks to me in pictures a lot. He will teach me a concept, and then give me a picture to solidify it in my mind (and to give me catchy titles like the Satellite Effect). But first, the background:

So here is something I learned a long time ago.... You can't change people.
It was actually a STARTLING revelation. I would try to talk people into ANYTHING. Probably my most frequent victims were my parents.
"Of course I should be allowed to stay out past my curfew.. it's only a matter of time before you begin to see things my way." "This skirt isn't too short, you're just looking at it at the wrong angle."
My arguing skills primarily served to, well.. serve me! Even when I would try to argue people into the kingdom of heaven (which you can't do I discovered) it would be self-serving.

So.. further along the path, I learned that trying to manipulate people is often more effective than arguing. You can appear to be an angel of light with perfectly selfish motives! What can I say? I am Italian AND female (a lethal, but sexy combination I might add...).

Years pass, and through the Lord's sometimes gentle, often harsh breaking, I arrive at a relieving, and/or heart breaking conclusion:
you cannot change people.
You cannot make someone put the toilet seat down consistently, you can't convince someone that they should love you, call you more.... My mom has been trying to convince her mom for years that she has not joined a cult (Christianity), and that she doesn't call her only to get at her money.

So I asked God in my helplessness and confusion, "how do I deal?!"
And that's when he answered me with a simple picture of a satellite.
You can't change people, but you can be used to affect change in others. And actually, if one learns this chain of command, it will improve your life; it helps to lower expectations, and it lowers the amount of arguments and manipulations.

Think about a computer that beams a signal to a satellite and then the satellite beams it elsewhere. I'm sure you can do the figurative mathematics, but just to be thorough, I'll explain it to you. Let's say that you are struggling with your brother, sister, husband, wife, co-worker. You want them to be kinder, more attentive, more spiritual, etc. You can try to argue, manipulate... but neither of them works. Beam it up to the satellite (aka. God of the Universe). Put it in His hands (cast your burden on him) and LET IT GO. Then watch as His beams spontaneously start landing on earth... either on that person, or on YOU! Only the Holy Spirit can affect change in someone's life.

God is faithful, but we have to trust that he knows best and times things best. But what it does for me/you/us is that it places the responsibility in the hands of the creator, of the reconciler, of the lover of our souls, instead of with us. Pretty simple, pretty profound, pretty encouraging of love and surrender in the most precious places in our lives - relationships.

Struggling with someone? Don't choose to always correct, be disappointed, fight to get your way... instead, use it as an opportunity to see the Lord work in His miraculous ways in the other person's life, and especially your own. This is the role He EXPECTS to play in our lives.

Beam it up.

the valley of emotions

I used to get frustrated at the thought of my spiritual life having levels: certain seasons when things were so good, and then certain seasons when things were 'cold' (like I had gone down or back a level). It felt like it was possible that levels existed, but it messed with my theology.
Especially when I took into account that those seasons that seemed like I was closest to God, were not consistently when things were going well. In fact, in most recent years, I have deeply experienced the intimacy of God when my heart is broken, and I cannot see my way clearly.
I asked God to teach me about this, and He was faithful (of course) and gave me a little picture that I wanted to share with you (if anyone reads this at all).
The biggest issue was God showing me how easily I am swayed by my emotions. I would have a 'good' day, really focused on the Lord, His purposes and then something would set me off and I would get discouraged and begin to doubt that he even knew I existed.
Then God reminded me that I need to train my mind. There is not a presto-chang-o moment that will end my life as a 'moody' Christian, and begin my life as a saint with unfaltering faith. Instead, I can train my mind to no longer pursue sinful coping mechanisms. To use self-control in the area of emotions.
The picture I got was of me standing in a field, on a firm foundation. The Truth is, that I am always there on that firm foundation. Not by works, but by Grace. God's salvation work in me is complete. I am justified, and so there I stand, in the field, on a solid rock.
But as I stand there, a mist comes in and covers my eyes from seeing my firm foundation. Sometimes it's a mist, sometimes it's a thick cloud.
My untrained mind assumes I have faltered from my 'level' of faith and taken steps backward. But my renewed mind now sees the trick and I take the appropriate action: I remember that I have been firmly planted on one solid foundation for all time. I need to make a choice to seek the Truth that disperses the clouds and mist before my eyes.
All of a sudden I am Peter on the tumultuous waves and Jesus is saying "stop looking at the waves, look at me. Truth is not in the waves--they will only drag you down. It may seem impossible, but look at me: I am above the waves."
Circumstance does not dictate or change my intimate connection with the Truth of God and His love for me and His love in me.
It's a question of faith, and then faith in action.
As a female, the battle against emotions is a BIG one. But lately, it's as though I am living out miracles when I see God free me from the bondage and the idolatry of my emotions when I remember where I stand.