I was walking the main street of a small town I had just moved to, which took me exactly 10 mins, and found the local thrift store. I’ve always loved thrift stores, but this time, I was in it because I was broke.
I remember a few years ago I prayed that God would teach me to be wiser with my money, and to trust Him to be a good steward of it. Be careful what you pray for! God means business when He answers us.
Anyway, back to being at the thrift store and totally broke. In hindsight, I see it was all in God’s plan, but this is the story of how I found that out. First of all, I had a SERIES of unexpected bills to pay at a time when I sensed the Lord’s leading and yet no provision besides debt was available. Worry. Worry, worry, worry..tiny prayer… more worry.
So, I gave into very overwhelming feelings of “oh my goodness, I can’t make rent this month what on earth am I going to do?” Can anyone relate? It went from money being tight to “this is serious”.
So found the few items I needed in the store and resumed walking with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was frantically brainstorming what to do, and then it came to me (and no, I will not sell my organs on the black market – although seriously considered).
Surrender.
I realized my utter dependence on Him to provide for me. Not just figuratively, but absolutely, take-Him-at-His-Word literally. I had somehow allowed myself to believe that I was to depend on myself! Ridiculous, right?
Thankfully God has shown me the error of my thinking, and did so in the sweetest, most gracious way..
I started walking back to my car (wondering if I could use olive oil to make it run) and I was still letting go of the analyzing, worrying train of thought. I thought of all things that I had done to deserve my current state, all the corners I could cut, all the extra jobs I could do…
When all of a sudden, a special needs man walking towards me looked straight at me, and with a wave of his hand said very intentionally “PRAISE THE LORD!”
That was it. It was as though heaven opened and the voice of God called down himself to his daughter and assured her that HE was her provider – He always has been. Who would take better care of me than Him?
I broke into a smile, then a laugh and then I started praising the Lord. Peace flooded my mind as only God’s miraculous peace can do. And I lived to pay my bills and to trust another day.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Fear 101
I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I suffer from a completely overactive imagination.
I’m a total scared-y cat.
I’m mostly afraid of being alone at night time. Or rather, afraid of NOT being alone when I should be, if you know what I mean. But this fear can sometimes cause extraordinarily ridiculous reactions in almost benign situations. One such situation ended up having a profound impact on my life…
London, circa 2003. I was renting a room from a spunky, elderly lady I affectionately referred to as “Quirky Gerda”. We would get into all kinds of mischief together, including climbing roofs of other people’s homes to get the best cherries Woodford Street had to offer. I was working in London before my semester at bible school started and it was a refreshing time of resting and praying and really communing with the Lord. That’s why, when Gerda was leaving for two weeks, I felt confident that the Lord would see me through the lonely nights when I would battle my emotions in regards to fear.
I was ready for bed, with the alarm on in the bottom half of the home. There was no logical way that anyone would get in the home without causing a serious racket that would a) notify neighbours and the police and b) likely scare any poor intruder to death, forcing them into a career change. And yet, my imagination persevered to deduce a theory that someone could likely go to all the effort of climbing roofs and shimmying down rain spouts in order to get in. And really, if we go that far, ninjas could be lowered from ropes off a helicopter to slink into windows on the floor above me, and, and… Yeah, let’s just say that logic had taken a vacation and every noise in the house screamed at me as if to say, “you are alone and vulnerable”.
That is when I decide to intervene on behalf of my safety, and put a chair behind the door. Yes, the chair would offer me security. But besides all this, I had faith! “Oh God, thank you for your protection…God? God?!” I could not shake the feelings of fear. I “scolded” God for not answering my prayers despite my extreme faith that He could protect me. “Why am I still battling these emotions when you said you will give faith and wisdom freely to those that ask you?”
Grumpy, I sat up in bed pondering my heavenly “abandonment” and I hear this still small voice in my heart, “if you have faith, why have you barricaded the door?”
Hmm. It was a good point. “But God, it’s my backup plan.” I replied matter-of-factly.
“To me?” came the reply.
Hmm, again. Creator of the universe, master and commander of planets, oceans, stars and I have a wooden chair as a backup for if He doesn’t come through.
Embarrassed, I got up and removed the chair from behind the door and put it back behind the desk.
Humbled, I lay down in bed, and repented of my lack of faith. Ninjas might have attacked another house that night I will never know as, no word of a lie, I slept like a log.
I have heard it said that control is an illusion. I go farther to say that it is a delusion. What silly, earthly backup plans do we have that are actually working as a barrier to faith?
I’m a total scared-y cat.
I’m mostly afraid of being alone at night time. Or rather, afraid of NOT being alone when I should be, if you know what I mean. But this fear can sometimes cause extraordinarily ridiculous reactions in almost benign situations. One such situation ended up having a profound impact on my life…
London, circa 2003. I was renting a room from a spunky, elderly lady I affectionately referred to as “Quirky Gerda”. We would get into all kinds of mischief together, including climbing roofs of other people’s homes to get the best cherries Woodford Street had to offer. I was working in London before my semester at bible school started and it was a refreshing time of resting and praying and really communing with the Lord. That’s why, when Gerda was leaving for two weeks, I felt confident that the Lord would see me through the lonely nights when I would battle my emotions in regards to fear.
I was ready for bed, with the alarm on in the bottom half of the home. There was no logical way that anyone would get in the home without causing a serious racket that would a) notify neighbours and the police and b) likely scare any poor intruder to death, forcing them into a career change. And yet, my imagination persevered to deduce a theory that someone could likely go to all the effort of climbing roofs and shimmying down rain spouts in order to get in. And really, if we go that far, ninjas could be lowered from ropes off a helicopter to slink into windows on the floor above me, and, and… Yeah, let’s just say that logic had taken a vacation and every noise in the house screamed at me as if to say, “you are alone and vulnerable”.
That is when I decide to intervene on behalf of my safety, and put a chair behind the door. Yes, the chair would offer me security. But besides all this, I had faith! “Oh God, thank you for your protection…God? God?!” I could not shake the feelings of fear. I “scolded” God for not answering my prayers despite my extreme faith that He could protect me. “Why am I still battling these emotions when you said you will give faith and wisdom freely to those that ask you?”
Grumpy, I sat up in bed pondering my heavenly “abandonment” and I hear this still small voice in my heart, “if you have faith, why have you barricaded the door?”
Hmm. It was a good point. “But God, it’s my backup plan.” I replied matter-of-factly.
“To me?” came the reply.
Hmm, again. Creator of the universe, master and commander of planets, oceans, stars and I have a wooden chair as a backup for if He doesn’t come through.
Embarrassed, I got up and removed the chair from behind the door and put it back behind the desk.
Humbled, I lay down in bed, and repented of my lack of faith. Ninjas might have attacked another house that night I will never know as, no word of a lie, I slept like a log.
I have heard it said that control is an illusion. I go farther to say that it is a delusion. What silly, earthly backup plans do we have that are actually working as a barrier to faith?
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