I was walking the main street of a small town I had just moved to, which took me exactly 10 mins, and found the local thrift store. I’ve always loved thrift stores, but this time, I was in it because I was broke.
I remember a few years ago I prayed that God would teach me to be wiser with my money, and to trust Him to be a good steward of it. Be careful what you pray for! God means business when He answers us.
Anyway, back to being at the thrift store and totally broke. In hindsight, I see it was all in God’s plan, but this is the story of how I found that out. First of all, I had a SERIES of unexpected bills to pay at a time when I sensed the Lord’s leading and yet no provision besides debt was available. Worry. Worry, worry, worry..tiny prayer… more worry.
So, I gave into very overwhelming feelings of “oh my goodness, I can’t make rent this month what on earth am I going to do?” Can anyone relate? It went from money being tight to “this is serious”.
So found the few items I needed in the store and resumed walking with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was frantically brainstorming what to do, and then it came to me (and no, I will not sell my organs on the black market – although seriously considered).
Surrender.
I realized my utter dependence on Him to provide for me. Not just figuratively, but absolutely, take-Him-at-His-Word literally. I had somehow allowed myself to believe that I was to depend on myself! Ridiculous, right?
Thankfully God has shown me the error of my thinking, and did so in the sweetest, most gracious way..
I started walking back to my car (wondering if I could use olive oil to make it run) and I was still letting go of the analyzing, worrying train of thought. I thought of all things that I had done to deserve my current state, all the corners I could cut, all the extra jobs I could do…
When all of a sudden, a special needs man walking towards me looked straight at me, and with a wave of his hand said very intentionally “PRAISE THE LORD!”
That was it. It was as though heaven opened and the voice of God called down himself to his daughter and assured her that HE was her provider – He always has been. Who would take better care of me than Him?
I broke into a smile, then a laugh and then I started praising the Lord. Peace flooded my mind as only God’s miraculous peace can do. And I lived to pay my bills and to trust another day.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Fear 101
I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I suffer from a completely overactive imagination.
I’m a total scared-y cat.
I’m mostly afraid of being alone at night time. Or rather, afraid of NOT being alone when I should be, if you know what I mean. But this fear can sometimes cause extraordinarily ridiculous reactions in almost benign situations. One such situation ended up having a profound impact on my life…
London, circa 2003. I was renting a room from a spunky, elderly lady I affectionately referred to as “Quirky Gerda”. We would get into all kinds of mischief together, including climbing roofs of other people’s homes to get the best cherries Woodford Street had to offer. I was working in London before my semester at bible school started and it was a refreshing time of resting and praying and really communing with the Lord. That’s why, when Gerda was leaving for two weeks, I felt confident that the Lord would see me through the lonely nights when I would battle my emotions in regards to fear.
I was ready for bed, with the alarm on in the bottom half of the home. There was no logical way that anyone would get in the home without causing a serious racket that would a) notify neighbours and the police and b) likely scare any poor intruder to death, forcing them into a career change. And yet, my imagination persevered to deduce a theory that someone could likely go to all the effort of climbing roofs and shimmying down rain spouts in order to get in. And really, if we go that far, ninjas could be lowered from ropes off a helicopter to slink into windows on the floor above me, and, and… Yeah, let’s just say that logic had taken a vacation and every noise in the house screamed at me as if to say, “you are alone and vulnerable”.
That is when I decide to intervene on behalf of my safety, and put a chair behind the door. Yes, the chair would offer me security. But besides all this, I had faith! “Oh God, thank you for your protection…God? God?!” I could not shake the feelings of fear. I “scolded” God for not answering my prayers despite my extreme faith that He could protect me. “Why am I still battling these emotions when you said you will give faith and wisdom freely to those that ask you?”
Grumpy, I sat up in bed pondering my heavenly “abandonment” and I hear this still small voice in my heart, “if you have faith, why have you barricaded the door?”
Hmm. It was a good point. “But God, it’s my backup plan.” I replied matter-of-factly.
“To me?” came the reply.
Hmm, again. Creator of the universe, master and commander of planets, oceans, stars and I have a wooden chair as a backup for if He doesn’t come through.
Embarrassed, I got up and removed the chair from behind the door and put it back behind the desk.
Humbled, I lay down in bed, and repented of my lack of faith. Ninjas might have attacked another house that night I will never know as, no word of a lie, I slept like a log.
I have heard it said that control is an illusion. I go farther to say that it is a delusion. What silly, earthly backup plans do we have that are actually working as a barrier to faith?
I’m a total scared-y cat.
I’m mostly afraid of being alone at night time. Or rather, afraid of NOT being alone when I should be, if you know what I mean. But this fear can sometimes cause extraordinarily ridiculous reactions in almost benign situations. One such situation ended up having a profound impact on my life…
London, circa 2003. I was renting a room from a spunky, elderly lady I affectionately referred to as “Quirky Gerda”. We would get into all kinds of mischief together, including climbing roofs of other people’s homes to get the best cherries Woodford Street had to offer. I was working in London before my semester at bible school started and it was a refreshing time of resting and praying and really communing with the Lord. That’s why, when Gerda was leaving for two weeks, I felt confident that the Lord would see me through the lonely nights when I would battle my emotions in regards to fear.
I was ready for bed, with the alarm on in the bottom half of the home. There was no logical way that anyone would get in the home without causing a serious racket that would a) notify neighbours and the police and b) likely scare any poor intruder to death, forcing them into a career change. And yet, my imagination persevered to deduce a theory that someone could likely go to all the effort of climbing roofs and shimmying down rain spouts in order to get in. And really, if we go that far, ninjas could be lowered from ropes off a helicopter to slink into windows on the floor above me, and, and… Yeah, let’s just say that logic had taken a vacation and every noise in the house screamed at me as if to say, “you are alone and vulnerable”.
That is when I decide to intervene on behalf of my safety, and put a chair behind the door. Yes, the chair would offer me security. But besides all this, I had faith! “Oh God, thank you for your protection…God? God?!” I could not shake the feelings of fear. I “scolded” God for not answering my prayers despite my extreme faith that He could protect me. “Why am I still battling these emotions when you said you will give faith and wisdom freely to those that ask you?”
Grumpy, I sat up in bed pondering my heavenly “abandonment” and I hear this still small voice in my heart, “if you have faith, why have you barricaded the door?”
Hmm. It was a good point. “But God, it’s my backup plan.” I replied matter-of-factly.
“To me?” came the reply.
Hmm, again. Creator of the universe, master and commander of planets, oceans, stars and I have a wooden chair as a backup for if He doesn’t come through.
Embarrassed, I got up and removed the chair from behind the door and put it back behind the desk.
Humbled, I lay down in bed, and repented of my lack of faith. Ninjas might have attacked another house that night I will never know as, no word of a lie, I slept like a log.
I have heard it said that control is an illusion. I go farther to say that it is a delusion. What silly, earthly backup plans do we have that are actually working as a barrier to faith?
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Monday, February 05, 2007
All creatures great and small
It’s 2am. Ridiculous. I can’t sleep though! Something that happened to me this weekend got me thinking about Ashley.
I was at Capernwray Hall working in the summer youth program 4 years ago working with kids and teens. This is sort of a funny thing because I don’t often like other people’s children. (It’s complicated, but if you get it, you get it).
But I knew God wanted me there and so I totally relied on His strength to do my job. It was amazing. Miracle after miracle. I seem to attract to me the delinquents and misfits and I wouldn’t have it any other way. God kept showing me how to reach them.
In reality, more times than not, I don’t like these types of people that cross my path when I first meet them. They might be entertaining, but if I’m being totally honest, there is no obvious reason to like them. But then a miracle happens and God opens my heart to love them deeply. Sometimes deeper than most.
The last week of the summer was anticipated with trepidation by most veteran staff. It was single-parent week and it was the most profound time spiritually, but also the most challenging. Broken, hurting, difficult families from all over England were bussed in and sponsored by a local church to attend. The women are treated like queens and the kids get a really cool program planned for them. But there are boundaries that we had to implement that were unnecessary for all previous weeks.
When I met Ashley (who is a boy), I instantly disliked him. Within 1 minute he revealed to me that rebellion to authority was what he ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. He swore at me and threw something that “missed” me. Great.
I have to admit something I don’t admit very often: this kid intimidated me. So I had nowhere to go but on my knees. "God, you’ve got to do this thing". The facts I am about to write are not a fabrication or exaggeration to make a good story, this is how the week went.
Day 1 & 2 - Every other sentence out of my mouth was “Ashley, don’t…” This kid tested my patience every instance and I was constantly on my guard.
I kept praying… “God, he’s so different than kids in previous weeks.. how do I reach him?”
Day 2.5 “Miriam, your group is in charge of doing the bonfire tonight” came the order from my supervisor.
Now of course, Ashley had corrupted another kid to be his sidekick. I think his name was Nathan. Anyway, the word from God was, “ask them to gather the wood.”
“Unattended Lord?”
“Yep. They can’t trust you if you don’t trust them”.
“Ashley, and Nathan, I need you to gather wood for the bonfire tonight. Can you do it during free time this afternoon?”
“SURE!
But we need an axe”
“Lord?!”
“Yep”
Gulp. “okay boys. Now listen, I am entrusting this to you and I know you will do a good job and not get into trouble”.
Well, I don’t know who snatched Ashley’s body and transplanted another kid into him, but it happened. It was like someone lit a fire inside him. Breathless and excited, I got hourly reports of their progress. They explained their big plan and how it was being done. It was innocent, and actually quite ingenious and it was intoxicating.
After dinner came the task of lighting the bonfire, which was roughly two blocks away in a field near a bluff of trees. I had a lot of other kids to look after so I didn’t have time, BUT this was a very grown up task.
“Get them to light the fire”
(picture me biting my knuckles) this could go VERY badly. Very, very badly.
You will never trust me with your children after you read this, but I gave 2 thirteen year old, delinquent teens a can of gasoline and matches, and asked them to light a formidable pile of wood, unattended.
That was a huge test of faith for me as I am sure you can understand. I probably could have been deported. Or at least fired and forced to eat coconut jaffa cakes for eternity.
Instead, it went off without a hitch. The boys were so overwhelmed with their responsibility, they did not let me down for a moment.
Day 3-6 - Ashley was MY sidekick. He would do whatever I said. If he was getting too rowdy, all I had to say was “Ashley, will you please..” and he stopped. I know, it seems far-fetched for such a quick turn around but I have witnesses.
But the biggest turn around was that God revealed a love for Ashley in my heart that wasn’t there when I met him. I thought he was a lost cause.
Day 6 – Departure day. The buses arrived and the typical good-byes, “I’ll write..”s and photos took place. But where was Ashley? I asked a few kids and finally found his brother “he’s on the bus, hiding”. I went on the bus and as soon as he saw me, he grabbed his pillow and hid behind it. I went up to him and said "Ashley, please let me look at you". He wouldn’t budge. I tried removing the pillow, but he would not let me. I was heart broken – he couldn’t handle saying good-bye. And the crushing thing was that I was going to get off that bus, and leave his life like maybe a hundred other people, including his dad, and would never see him again. I told him how much I cared about him and how much I had enjoyed his friendship that week and that I hoped wonderful things for him in the Lord. Then I walked as slowly as I could off the bus to see if he would come out of his shell. Nothing.
There is no traditional happy ending to this story. “Why Lord?” But it wasn’t for me to know. Ashley wasn’t mine (I wanted to adopt him :). He wasn’t my project, or my ministry – He belonged to the Lord.
That summer all in all was a pivotal time of growth for me. But one of the most beautiful lessons I learned was that God LOVES difficult cases. He’s not intimidated by them and NOTHING is a lost cause. He rubs his hands in delight in anticipation for what He will do. He doesn’t do it for our comfort, but He does it because He says in His Word “it is better to give than to receive”. I don’t understand it, but God loves to give. I don’t spend enough time receiving, but that doesn’t mean He isn’t giving. What I learned about God’s love for Ashley is what I need to know every day about His love for me. Nothing I do causes Him to flinch. He loves even when the world doesn’t love me, and when I don’t love myself. He loves difficult cases, and I know this, because I am one of them.
I was at Capernwray Hall working in the summer youth program 4 years ago working with kids and teens. This is sort of a funny thing because I don’t often like other people’s children. (It’s complicated, but if you get it, you get it).
But I knew God wanted me there and so I totally relied on His strength to do my job. It was amazing. Miracle after miracle. I seem to attract to me the delinquents and misfits and I wouldn’t have it any other way. God kept showing me how to reach them.
In reality, more times than not, I don’t like these types of people that cross my path when I first meet them. They might be entertaining, but if I’m being totally honest, there is no obvious reason to like them. But then a miracle happens and God opens my heart to love them deeply. Sometimes deeper than most.
The last week of the summer was anticipated with trepidation by most veteran staff. It was single-parent week and it was the most profound time spiritually, but also the most challenging. Broken, hurting, difficult families from all over England were bussed in and sponsored by a local church to attend. The women are treated like queens and the kids get a really cool program planned for them. But there are boundaries that we had to implement that were unnecessary for all previous weeks.
When I met Ashley (who is a boy), I instantly disliked him. Within 1 minute he revealed to me that rebellion to authority was what he ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. He swore at me and threw something that “missed” me. Great.
I have to admit something I don’t admit very often: this kid intimidated me. So I had nowhere to go but on my knees. "God, you’ve got to do this thing". The facts I am about to write are not a fabrication or exaggeration to make a good story, this is how the week went.
Day 1 & 2 - Every other sentence out of my mouth was “Ashley, don’t…” This kid tested my patience every instance and I was constantly on my guard.
I kept praying… “God, he’s so different than kids in previous weeks.. how do I reach him?”
Day 2.5 “Miriam, your group is in charge of doing the bonfire tonight” came the order from my supervisor.
Now of course, Ashley had corrupted another kid to be his sidekick. I think his name was Nathan. Anyway, the word from God was, “ask them to gather the wood.”
“Unattended Lord?”
“Yep. They can’t trust you if you don’t trust them”.
“Ashley, and Nathan, I need you to gather wood for the bonfire tonight. Can you do it during free time this afternoon?”
“SURE!
But we need an axe”
“Lord?!”
“Yep”
Gulp. “okay boys. Now listen, I am entrusting this to you and I know you will do a good job and not get into trouble”.
Well, I don’t know who snatched Ashley’s body and transplanted another kid into him, but it happened. It was like someone lit a fire inside him. Breathless and excited, I got hourly reports of their progress. They explained their big plan and how it was being done. It was innocent, and actually quite ingenious and it was intoxicating.
After dinner came the task of lighting the bonfire, which was roughly two blocks away in a field near a bluff of trees. I had a lot of other kids to look after so I didn’t have time, BUT this was a very grown up task.
“Get them to light the fire”
(picture me biting my knuckles) this could go VERY badly. Very, very badly.
You will never trust me with your children after you read this, but I gave 2 thirteen year old, delinquent teens a can of gasoline and matches, and asked them to light a formidable pile of wood, unattended.
That was a huge test of faith for me as I am sure you can understand. I probably could have been deported. Or at least fired and forced to eat coconut jaffa cakes for eternity.
Instead, it went off without a hitch. The boys were so overwhelmed with their responsibility, they did not let me down for a moment.
Day 3-6 - Ashley was MY sidekick. He would do whatever I said. If he was getting too rowdy, all I had to say was “Ashley, will you please..” and he stopped. I know, it seems far-fetched for such a quick turn around but I have witnesses.
But the biggest turn around was that God revealed a love for Ashley in my heart that wasn’t there when I met him. I thought he was a lost cause.
Day 6 – Departure day. The buses arrived and the typical good-byes, “I’ll write..”s and photos took place. But where was Ashley? I asked a few kids and finally found his brother “he’s on the bus, hiding”. I went on the bus and as soon as he saw me, he grabbed his pillow and hid behind it. I went up to him and said "Ashley, please let me look at you". He wouldn’t budge. I tried removing the pillow, but he would not let me. I was heart broken – he couldn’t handle saying good-bye. And the crushing thing was that I was going to get off that bus, and leave his life like maybe a hundred other people, including his dad, and would never see him again. I told him how much I cared about him and how much I had enjoyed his friendship that week and that I hoped wonderful things for him in the Lord. Then I walked as slowly as I could off the bus to see if he would come out of his shell. Nothing.
There is no traditional happy ending to this story. “Why Lord?” But it wasn’t for me to know. Ashley wasn’t mine (I wanted to adopt him :). He wasn’t my project, or my ministry – He belonged to the Lord.
That summer all in all was a pivotal time of growth for me. But one of the most beautiful lessons I learned was that God LOVES difficult cases. He’s not intimidated by them and NOTHING is a lost cause. He rubs his hands in delight in anticipation for what He will do. He doesn’t do it for our comfort, but He does it because He says in His Word “it is better to give than to receive”. I don’t understand it, but God loves to give. I don’t spend enough time receiving, but that doesn’t mean He isn’t giving. What I learned about God’s love for Ashley is what I need to know every day about His love for me. Nothing I do causes Him to flinch. He loves even when the world doesn’t love me, and when I don’t love myself. He loves difficult cases, and I know this, because I am one of them.
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