So Now I Have a Newborn.... What do I do with it?

I can still remember the way the sunlight streamed in the dining room and twinkled off the dishes of glorious food that a dear family friend had brought over. It was perfection.... the beginning of May, lovely, balmy weather, food, wine and friends and a newborn cooing in the bassinet close by.

So why was I bawling? I had no idea! Turns out it was likely hormones, but I was also just feeling COMPLETELY overwhelmed by this new experience and I was now feeling guilty for enjoying food while my newborn was by herself cooing.

Although I have been around a ton of babies and kids, this perspective was a hard one to adapt to and I had really no idea what to do with her!

If you can relate, or might be able to relate, this is for you:

NONE of this is to replace the advice of a sound health practitioner. Just make sure you are listening to a good one, and comparing the info to other sources.

Feeding
Babies' first meal at the breast is colostrum. There is not a whole lot of it that comes out, but it's just enough to get that baby sucking up a storm to encourage the flood gates of milk to open! (Besides, they have quite a bit of reserve in their tummy from the womb - so enjoy the rest in those first 24-48hrs while you can because their hunger is about to arrive!) When the "milk comes in", it's suggested a baby feed every 1.5-2hrs. Depending on the weight and health of your child, this might even be encouraged throughout the night - setting an alarm to feed. If a baby is a good size, latching on well and the eating is progressing steadily, there is no reason to set an alarm to feed your newborn unless they are sleeping for too long in the first couple of weeks. Seasoned moms would not wake a newborn to feed it, they prefer sleep, but a new mom might feel more comfortable going 3-4hr stretches at night to start.

Breast milk supply is established in the first 2-4 months. Often the initial engorgement goes down after this and a new "norm" for breast size and fullness is revealed. It is usually around then that leaking at night stops (unless baby is sleeping longer stretches) and one feels a little more comfortable with the whole breastfeeding experience.

Babies' sucking needs help to establish milk supply and bonding between mom and babe. The frequency of the need to suck will most likely change after this period and a feeding rhythm will either emerge or can easily be established. That is why I agree strongly with the school of thought that discourages pacifiers within the first 4 months (see note on good uses for a pacifier below). The feeds take a LONG time to start. Anywhere from 20-60mins! Newborns will often fall asleep at the breast and there are a lot of good resources available that have tips on how to keep them awake.

Take heart! The feeds get more efficient as time goes on (one of the cute pieces of evidence are the big cheeks that form! The fat cushions the strengthening jaw muscles). You may one day marvel that the feeds get as efficient as 10-15mins!

Hot tip: Train yourself to drink a large glass of water at EVERY feed. Not only does breastfeeding rob your body of a lot of water, thereby making dehydration likely, but water intake impacts milk supply.

Hot tip: Learn to slow down and relax. Allow yourself (perhaps for the first time ever) to do nothing while you nurse. Soon the baby will be so distracted when its eating that the soothing doting feeds will be missed, so enjoy!

Hot tip: Be good to your posture while nursing! There is a pain that is not yet known to a woman who has not breastfed. Staring down at your child, holding them, sitting wrong... all these things can cause major strain on your upper back. Bring the baby right to breast level with a really plush nursing pillow or alternative. Keep your shoulders relaxed and down. Staring at the baby is a non-negotiable, but if you are keep the rest of your body in check, this won't bother you as badly.

An interesting overview of breastfeeding from a biological perspective: the hormone prolactin that is released in the body to produce the function of breastfeeding has a cycle. A low time and a spike. For some reason the spike happens during the middle of the night. But the drop often happens in the evening, before bed. Each feed is valuable, but a baby actually stores up the calories it needs to last for the night during the day, so don't be too frustrated that you don't have enough milk in the evening. Although a significant drop could be a sign of need for intervention, having less does not mean that the baby did not eat enough for the day. Evening fussiness is a well known phenomenon for babies, even babies of moms with constantly gushing milk and moms that have "just enough". Here is some good, and concise info on prolactin levels from one of my favourite sites: kellymom.com http://kellymom.com/bf/normal/prolactin-levels/

Pacifiers
Bad uses:

• Replacing time at the breast **Pacifiers can be very counter productive to establishing good milk supply
• A sleep aid (it's a crutch that is hard to let go of and sleep research shows that a sleep aid like a pacifier work against a child's need to learn to self-sooth)
• Main soothing technique. Parents will need to have lots of tools in their parenting tool box to calm and soothe their infants, toddlers and children. A pacifier can cause stress when it is all a parent has to offer a child and a) it isn't working or b) it was forgotten at home, or can't be found.

 Good uses:

• Car seat fussiness. Driving with a screaming baby is very stressful. A pacifier is one of few distractions that work on young infants that are not able to hold toys or see what is passing outside the window (check out more tips in the "Playtime/Distracting" section).
• For dad to have a tool in those early months if mom is away
• Occasionally using it to put a baby to sleep then popping it out of their mouth.

Personal Care:
Baths:
This pregnancy I have learned of a school of thought that discourages bathing a baby in the hospital or right away that I am interested in applying. Feel free to look into it yourself: http://www.givingbirthnaturally.com/newborn-baby-care.html#bath

My note is about tips for bathing your newborn at home when it's the right time. a) newborns don't need to be bathed once a day. They are rarely "dirty" and their skin is super sensitive. One can even wait over 4 days to bath their baby. The only dirt that comes their way is breast milk in their creases and pooping! The breast milk can be kept out of creases by nursing with a bib or a receiving blanket under their chin and under your breast (helps you from being drenched in milk too).

Hot tip: Crank the heat up in your bathroom for an hour before bath time and the baby will not notice the temperature change as dramatically and might love baths sooner than otherwise.

As for diaper changes...

I HIGHLY recommend using cloth wipes with water for at least 3-4 months. Pros:

• much better for baby's skin
• saves money on wipes (that are loaded with chemicals)
• easy to clean - newborn poop (after the meconium) is extremely water soluble
• Cleans way better, less need for baths because of blowouts, etc.

The easiest thing is to fill a spray bottle of warm water in the morning and use it to spray the cloth at diaper changes. Change the water daily and wash out the bottle every few days.

Diaper Cream:
Diaper cream is NOT preventative and the common ones purchased in a drugstore are mineral oil based and have chemicals. Only use a cream if there is a problem. Olive oil is a great lotion for after bath time and as a diaper cream. But there are many natural ones out there that come highly recommended. This is one recently recommended to me: http://www.dimpleskinsnaturals.com/bbb.htm
This is a cloth diaper safe cream.

Playtime & Distractions:
Touch is the best play for a newborn. Cooing sounds and low stimulation - all of this will come so naturally. Another thing that is amazing for mom, dad and babe is baby wearing. Getting a good baby carrier and having baby everywhere with you - smelling mom and dad, hearing your heartbeat - is such a good transition from the womb to the shocking world.
One thing I didn't know that would also be good for babe is just time lying on their back by them self. They need to decompress and allow all the new stimulation to be absorbed. I felt guilty for this, but it's a good thing. Especially if they can hear you near by. This is also a good way for a baby to learn to drift off to sleep.

Car seat Distractions:
Some parents LOVE car rides with their infants because it instantly puts them to sleep whereas others break into a cold sweat when they have to go on a car ride. I can picture me on the side of the road, hazards on, swing the car seat to try to calm my INCONSOLABLE baby. Or begging Roger to run red lights because when we stopped she would wake up or freak out.

Tips:

• The $3.99 Bright Star rattle. Shake it rhythmically near them and they care lulled to sleep or calmed. I want to kiss the maker of that thing.
• Baby Mozart, or a CD that has quite a punchiness to it
• Open with window and blast them with some fresh air to shock them.
• I have known people that have breastfed in the backseat while someone else is driving. I have not pulled it off, but have tried!!
•  

Books: Who or what are you to me?

In I Samuel 8 the faithless Israelites stoop to a new low: they beg God to appoint over them a king. God reasons with them that a king will not treat them as fairly and as faithfully as He will, but they are convinced this is what they need to truly thrive as a nation. And so the history of Israel (and the off-shoot Judah) becomes a chronicle of faithless deeds, evil, abandonment of their True God as well God’s constant redemption of the mess they have made. It’s a frustrating saga of a people that just didn’t get it.

Their story is our story. Their stubbornness and pride is ours as we approach God. I want life to be easy, not messy and I have many excuses for not taking the time to learn and grow directly from God. I want a pastor, a preacher, a book writer to eat of the Word, chew it up and spit it out to me in a more palatable chunk of encouragement.

When it comes to your life, who is your king that you have crowned over God?

These thoughts come to me in the wake being asked to review a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It’s a New York Times bestseller and is popular for many good reasons. Voskamp is easy to relate to. Her views from the trenches of Christian faith (through human suffering) are familiar. Losing her little sister at a young age starts the journey of finding God in the brokenness and heartache of life. If you cannot relate to deep loss, you might relate to her as a parent (although in this day and age, being a homeschooling mom of six certainly puts her in her own award-winning category!) or as a sojourner of faith, restless with a status quo life; living a satisfied dissatisfaction as she salivates and hungers for more of the spiritual life we are promised in the Word.

The book is well praised as to its style and poetic offerings. Her stories are relevant and revelatory. The book is also reviewed by some as having some minor theological confusion; but it’s unanimous that her heart is clear and steady and therefore the issues are sidelined for the meat and potatoes being offered on more important things like grace, thanksgiving and joy. The book is not without some controversy on a chapter where more graphic illusions to intercourse and intimacy are aligned with our relationship with God. But the biggest controversy for me goes back to that passage in I Samuel. Thousands and thousands of people have had a life change from reading this book – reminiscent of The Shack by William P. Young and many others like it.

You see, the scripture verses and the journey to discovery that these writers have found is available to all of us, but reading about seems to be a favoured way that the masses consume a spiritual experience. Don’t bother living your own spiritual life, you can borrow mine if I write a blog, or a book or preach a sermon. It’s a part of our modern day church consumerism that will likely have people jumping from fix to fix  - from one best seller to the next.

Who is your king? Is it the King of Kings who beckons us at every moment of the day to be solely dependant upon Him?

I believe that fellowship can come in different forms – it can come from coffee with friends, gathering for church, an email from far away, or reading a book from a believer you will likely never meet, but does it complement our daily, momentary efforts to commune with God, or does it eclipse the true source of our Life and substitute it with a baby food version of it.

A thousand gifts, written as a list of one thousand blessings in Voskamp’s life, can enrich your life because it is bathed in scripture and it points to Jesus. Read it and be blessed by it. Use discernment as you thumb its pages because it isn’t Scripture, and therefore flawed. Allow your true devotional time to be spent digging into the Word and your own journey of faith so that your life is authentic, like hers. This challenge reminds me of the opening pages of an extraordinary book by Jackie Pullinger called Chasing the Dragon. Before she even writes one word of her own story, she writes this: “Go! Write your own books. Go!”

First Loves (A Tribute)

I spent the first year of my life falling in love with my mother's face.

It was the first bond I ever knew.

At 4am my little girl stirring startled me out of the most wonderful dream...
I was back in Italy again with HER. The lovely thing was that it felt completely normal to be there together. My mom and I were walking down the street and met up with our favorite Italian, Rosa. We found her and gave her a hug. The sun was shining, my heart was warm and I looked at them and mentioned how perfect it was that the three of us were back together again. We kept walking and Rosa turned the corner and my mom held me back and with a laugh told me she bought me a gift.

The shining sun snapped to dark and I was back in my room with a hungry Isabella waking up.
I burst into tears, sobbing, and picked up my helpless little girl and helped her to my chest.

You see, its a bond that has not been broken - it's still there body and soul. Every time she held me in her arms, or to her breast, I was falling more in love with her face, the sound of her voice, the smell and touch of her skin. There are only a few other things in life that made as much sense to me as my mother's love. It was a warm space around me physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially and spiritually.

That is why my heart is broken. That is why I will never get over it or stop missing my mom.

It turns out Isabella is a faker. She took one sip of milk and went back to sleep making her funny little faces while she snoozed. She just wanted to be close to me as she slept. Safe, loved.
Will this little one have the chance to fall in love with me the way I fell in love with my mom?
I hope she never has to feel this pain I feel: sitting in bed with a new baby, wondering how 31 years of a mother's physical presence went by so fast; and how empty life feels without her.

I wish I could just snuggle in her arms, or look at her face, or, or, or.....

The Good News

Recently a friend of mine posted an article that had a real impact on me. It was about a ring of child pornographers that had been busted and brought to justice. The story was victorious in that very evil people were caught and stopped, but it was very tragic on the other hand in that the article explained the evil that was being committed, and it was heart-wrenching and difficult to bear. Children are born into sin, but there is an innocence that they possess to things like violence, cruelty, sexual perversion, and other evils that make them the saddest victim on the planet. Not only do we desire to protect them because they are little and vulnerable, but we feel sick to think of that innocence being taken from them.

Looking back, I feel there was an inevitable innocence that is lost as I have grown up. A part of it is totally natural - I was meant to come into an understanding of good and evil and to be accountable to that knowledge, but I also believe that I have been bombarded with, and have chosen to be exposed to images, stories, and situations that have put an unnecessary burden on my mind and heart. I am so grateful that I have a relationship with God that is real and effective and He can restore in my heart & mind broken, fearful, and hurting places.

And so when I was originally overwhelmed by the sadness of the story of the abused children in that article, I went to God, pleading with Him to ease my mind from the distress (not only pain for the children that are and have been victims, but also fear for the safety of my own child and the children of my family and friends). God told me a couple of things that were so assuring and I wanted to share them with you. First of all, He told me that to worry frantically about these things is "above my paygrade". God is the one that is in control - He is Father God and He is the Master and Commander of the Universe. All of those job titles assure me that He is much better equipped to carry the burden of these situations than I am. In fact, I believe He was the one that orchestrated the justice brought in this horrifying situation, which I would have never been able to accomplish! He is the defender of the weak and vulnerable.

I will also never understand His whole plan for the world and all those that are in it from the dawn of time until He calls us all home to glory. So although I hear about unspeakable pain and suffering and think it overwhelming, He sees the big picture and it makes sense to Him.

The other thing He told me is that His plan has Redemption and Love at the heart of it. What happens on this earth is not the conclusion of the story. The real story has to do with a Father allowing His only son Jesus to suffer a horrifying death in order to herald the true end of the story: Victory and Eternal Life. It's a love story, and although it has bumps and bruises along the way, it is all to bring about the eternal redemption that we all need.

So when I pleaded with God about what I could do to save these children and other children from such despicable harm, He told me "share the Gospel". The Gospel is the only answer to sin and evil. No amount of programming or money can do more than what the Gospel does to someone who has given themselves over to such evil, they would harm or take another life. Nothing more powerful or healing than the Gospel to a wounded and broken person who has had everything taken from them.

With all the "ratings" that bad news attracts, it is easy to forget that there is good news all around us, and all over the world that we don't get to hear about. It's the news of the Gospel spreading to hearts all over the globe and people being reconciled with their Creator, and being healed and made whole even despite their life circumstances. The JOY that comes with the Gospel is the privilege that we get to share it if we know the story of the Gospel, and truly believe it to be GOOD NEWS!

Speak Life, Be Teachable, Cultivate JOY

Meditations from Proverbs 15

Speak Life:
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.

The soothing tongue is a tree of life,
but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.

A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,
but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

A person finds joy in giving an apt reply—
and how good is a timely word!

The heart of the righteous weighs its answers,
but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.

Light in a messenger’s eyes brings joy to the heart,
and good news gives health to the bones.

Be Teachable:
A fool spurns a parent’s discipline,
but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.

Stern discipline awaits anyone who leaves the path;
the one who hates correction will die.

Mockers resent correction,
so they avoid the wise.

Plans fail for lack of counsel,
but with many advisers they succeed.

Whoever heeds life-giving correction
will be at home among the wise.

Those who disregard discipline despise themselves,
but the one who heeds correction gains understanding.

Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD,
and humility comes before honor.

Cultivate Joy:
A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
but heartache crushes the spirit.

Better a little with the fear of the LORD
than great wealth with turmoil.

Better a small serving of vegetables with love
than a fattened calf with hatred.

A person finds joy in giving an apt reply—
and how good is a timely word!

Light in a messenger’s eyes brings joy to the heart,
and good news gives health to the bones.

Speaker & Facilitator

If you need a speaker or a facilitator for your next event, I am available to speak on any of the following topics:

• Sexuality from a biblical perspective for a primarily Christian audience, as well as an approach on sexuality from a more traditional, responsible perspective for non-Christians
• Abortion issues (post-abortion stress disorder, philosophical debates, pro-life/pro-choice)
• Parenting (new parents, parents of pre-teens and teens)
• Health - eating right, exercise, a sustainable, healthy lifestyle
• Going green - how to be a good steward of the earth and live in a more non-toxic environment
• Being a Christian woman without compromising on some of the hard scriptures relating to women and wives
• Marriage - from the perspective of being a biblical wife
• God's love and acceptance through the lens of grace

My teaching style is to incorporate visual images to include all learning styles, to be interactive with my audience if feasible, and to use stories and humour.

I have references available upon request. Here are some of the places I have shared my speaking and facilitating skills:

  

Camosun College

Boys & Girls Club (Comox Valley & Victoria)

Arbutus Christian Fellowship Church

Youth With a Mission Victoria

Pacific Rim Alliance Youth

Greater Victoria Christian Academy

Glad Tidings Youth

New Life Baptist Youth

St Matthias

Recipes

Hi all,

I have started a new blog of recipes, favorite products, recipes books, etc

stupideasyrecipes.blogspot.com

You can follow either blogs by subscribing on the links on this home page.

Looking forward to sharing with you and hearing from you!

Miriam

For the generations to follow...

Grow!
Choose the hard road; never take ways that are easy. Press in to a trial, knowing that character connects you to the whole world. Learn to love difficult people;
be responsible for yourself, don't blame anyone else. Never procrastinate or make excuses;
put your hands and your mind to each task given to you.

Try something new at least once a year; learn to enjoy your own company;
be remembered as being a joyful servant;
make respectful choices for your mind, your body and your soul.
Let go of competition; marvel at other people's gifts, it liberates people to enjoy yours.

Be loyal; even when your friends/family go through seasons of being completely unlovable, waiting it out will be its own reward.
Keep your word. may it be a compass people can orient themselves to.

In all things, be motivated by Love. Even if you have been wronged severely. Because everything is wrapped up in Love personified: Jesus Christ.

If you had to say something to the next generation from your own experience, what would it be?

Introducing "They"

Ever wondered who "they" from "they say..." are? Well I think it's these guys.

Special Needs

I was walking the main street of a small town I had just moved to, which took me exactly 10 mins, and found the local thrift store. I’ve always loved thrift stores, but this time, I was in it because I was broke.

I remember a few years ago I prayed that God would teach me to be wiser with my money, and to trust Him to be a good steward of it. Be careful what you pray for! God means business when He answers us.

Anyway, back to being at the thrift store and totally broke. In hindsight, I see it was all in God’s plan, but this is the story of how I found that out. First of all, I had a SERIES of unexpected bills to pay at a time when I sensed the Lord’s leading and yet no provision besides debt was available. Worry. Worry, worry, worry..tiny prayer… more worry.

So, I gave into very overwhelming feelings of “oh my goodness, I can’t make rent this month what on earth am I going to do?” Can anyone relate? It went from money being tight to “this is serious”.

So found the few items I needed in the store and resumed walking with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was frantically brainstorming what to do, and then it came to me (and no, I will not sell my organs on the black market – although seriously considered).

Surrender.

I realized my utter dependence on Him to provide for me. Not just figuratively, but absolutely, take-Him-at-His-Word literally. I had somehow allowed myself to believe that I was to depend on myself! Ridiculous, right?

Thankfully God has shown me the error of my thinking, and did so in the sweetest, most gracious way..

I started walking back to my car (wondering if I could use olive oil to make it run) and I was still letting go of the analyzing, worrying train of thought. I thought of all things that I had done to deserve my current state, all the corners I could cut, all the extra jobs I could do…
When all of a sudden, a special needs man walking towards me looked straight at me, and with a wave of his hand said very intentionally “PRAISE THE LORD!”

That was it. It was as though heaven opened and the voice of God called down himself to his daughter and assured her that HE was her provider – He always has been. Who would take better care of me than Him?

I broke into a smile, then a laugh and then I started praising the Lord. Peace flooded my mind as only God’s miraculous peace can do. And I lived to pay my bills and to trust another day.

Fear 101

I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I suffer from a completely overactive imagination.
I’m a total scared-y cat.

I’m mostly afraid of being alone at night time. Or rather, afraid of NOT being alone when I should be, if you know what I mean. But this fear can sometimes cause extraordinarily ridiculous reactions in almost benign situations. One such situation ended up having a profound impact on my life…

London, circa 2003. I was renting a room from a spunky, elderly lady I affectionately referred to as “Quirky Gerda”. We would get into all kinds of mischief together, including climbing roofs of other people’s homes to get the best cherries Woodford Street had to offer. I was working in London before my semester at bible school started and it was a refreshing time of resting and praying and really communing with the Lord. That’s why, when Gerda was leaving for two weeks, I felt confident that the Lord would see me through the lonely nights when I would battle my emotions in regards to fear.

I was ready for bed, with the alarm on in the bottom half of the home. There was no logical way that anyone would get in the home without causing a serious racket that would a) notify neighbours and the police and b) likely scare any poor intruder to death, forcing them into a career change. And yet, my imagination persevered to deduce a theory that someone could likely go to all the effort of climbing roofs and shimmying down rain spouts in order to get in. And really, if we go that far, ninjas could be lowered from ropes off a helicopter to slink into windows on the floor above me, and, and… Yeah, let’s just say that logic had taken a vacation and every noise in the house screamed at me as if to say, “you are alone and vulnerable”.

That is when I decide to intervene on behalf of my safety, and put a chair behind the door. Yes, the chair would offer me security. But besides all this, I had faith! “Oh God, thank you for your protection…God? God?!” I could not shake the feelings of fear. I “scolded” God for not answering my prayers despite my extreme faith that He could protect me. “Why am I still battling these emotions when you said you will give faith and wisdom freely to those that ask you?”

Grumpy, I sat up in bed pondering my heavenly “abandonment” and I hear this still small voice in my heart, “if you have faith, why have you barricaded the door?”
Hmm. It was a good point. “But God, it’s my backup plan.” I replied matter-of-factly.
“To me?” came the reply.
Hmm, again. Creator of the universe, master and commander of planets, oceans, stars and I have a wooden chair as a backup for if He doesn’t come through.

Embarrassed, I got up and removed the chair from behind the door and put it back behind the desk.

Humbled, I lay down in bed, and repented of my lack of faith. Ninjas might have attacked another house that night I will never know as, no word of a lie, I slept like a log.

I have heard it said that control is an illusion. I go farther to say that it is a delusion. What silly, earthly backup plans do we have that are actually working as a barrier to faith?

sleeping lily

This picture reminds me of how I want to be in my faith with the Lord...

All creatures great and small

It’s 2am. Ridiculous. I can’t sleep though! Something that happened to me this weekend got me thinking about Ashley.

I was at Capernwray Hall working in the summer youth program 4 years ago working with kids and teens. This is sort of a funny thing because I don’t often like other people’s children. (It’s complicated, but if you get it, you get it).

But I knew God wanted me there and so I totally relied on His strength to do my job. It was amazing. Miracle after miracle. I seem to attract to me the delinquents and misfits and I wouldn’t have it any other way. God kept showing me how to reach them.
In reality, more times than not, I don’t like these types of people that cross my path when I first meet them. They might be entertaining, but if I’m being totally honest, there is no obvious reason to like them. But then a miracle happens and God opens my heart to love them deeply. Sometimes deeper than most.

The last week of the summer was anticipated with trepidation by most veteran staff. It was single-parent week and it was the most profound time spiritually, but also the most challenging. Broken, hurting, difficult families from all over England were bussed in and sponsored by a local church to attend. The women are treated like queens and the kids get a really cool program planned for them. But there are boundaries that we had to implement that were unnecessary for all previous weeks.

When I met Ashley (who is a boy), I instantly disliked him. Within 1 minute he revealed to me that rebellion to authority was what he ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. He swore at me and threw something that “missed” me. Great.
I have to admit something I don’t admit very often: this kid intimidated me. So I had nowhere to go but on my knees. "God, you’ve got to do this thing". The facts I am about to write are not a fabrication or exaggeration to make a good story, this is how the week went.

Day 1 & 2 - Every other sentence out of my mouth was “Ashley, don’t…” This kid tested my patience every instance and I was constantly on my guard.
I kept praying… “God, he’s so different than kids in previous weeks.. how do I reach him?”

Day 2.5 “Miriam, your group is in charge of doing the bonfire tonight” came the order from my supervisor.

Now of course, Ashley had corrupted another kid to be his sidekick. I think his name was Nathan. Anyway, the word from God was, “ask them to gather the wood.”

“Unattended Lord?”

“Yep. They can’t trust you if you don’t trust them”.

“Ashley, and Nathan, I need you to gather wood for the bonfire tonight. Can you do it during free time this afternoon?”

“SURE!
But we need an axe”

“Lord?!”

“Yep”

Gulp. “okay boys. Now listen, I am entrusting this to you and I know you will do a good job and not get into trouble”.

Well, I don’t know who snatched Ashley’s body and transplanted another kid into him, but it happened. It was like someone lit a fire inside him. Breathless and excited, I got hourly reports of their progress. They explained their big plan and how it was being done. It was innocent, and actually quite ingenious and it was intoxicating.

After dinner came the task of lighting the bonfire, which was roughly two blocks away in a field near a bluff of trees. I had a lot of other kids to look after so I didn’t have time, BUT this was a very grown up task.

“Get them to light the fire”

(picture me biting my knuckles) this could go VERY badly. Very, very badly.

You will never trust me with your children after you read this, but I gave 2 thirteen year old, delinquent teens a can of gasoline and matches, and asked them to light a formidable pile of wood, unattended.

That was a huge test of faith for me as I am sure you can understand. I probably could have been deported. Or at least fired and forced to eat coconut jaffa cakes for eternity.

Instead, it went off without a hitch. The boys were so overwhelmed with their responsibility, they did not let me down for a moment.

Day 3-6 - Ashley was MY sidekick. He would do whatever I said. If he was getting too rowdy, all I had to say was “Ashley, will you please..” and he stopped. I know, it seems far-fetched for such a quick turn around but I have witnesses.

But the biggest turn around was that God revealed a love for Ashley in my heart that wasn’t there when I met him. I thought he was a lost cause.

Day 6 – Departure day. The buses arrived and the typical good-byes, “I’ll write..”s and photos took place. But where was Ashley? I asked a few kids and finally found his brother “he’s on the bus, hiding”. I went on the bus and as soon as he saw me, he grabbed his pillow and hid behind it. I went up to him and said "Ashley, please let me look at you". He wouldn’t budge. I tried removing the pillow, but he would not let me. I was heart broken – he couldn’t handle saying good-bye. And the crushing thing was that I was going to get off that bus, and leave his life like maybe a hundred other people, including his dad, and would never see him again. I told him how much I cared about him and how much I had enjoyed his friendship that week and that I hoped wonderful things for him in the Lord. Then I walked as slowly as I could off the bus to see if he would come out of his shell. Nothing.

There is no traditional happy ending to this story. “Why Lord?” But it wasn’t for me to know. Ashley wasn’t mine (I wanted to adopt him :). He wasn’t my project, or my ministry – He belonged to the Lord.

That summer all in all was a pivotal time of growth for me. But one of the most beautiful lessons I learned was that God LOVES difficult cases. He’s not intimidated by them and NOTHING is a lost cause. He rubs his hands in delight in anticipation for what He will do. He doesn’t do it for our comfort, but He does it because He says in His Word “it is better to give than to receive”. I don’t understand it, but God loves to give. I don’t spend enough time receiving, but that doesn’t mean He isn’t giving. What I learned about God’s love for Ashley is what I need to know every day about His love for me. Nothing I do causes Him to flinch. He loves even when the world doesn’t love me, and when I don’t love myself. He loves difficult cases, and I know this, because I am one of them.

A "humble offering from the sermon edit room floor"

These are some pearls I heard from a pastor that didn't make it to a sermon..

Gratitude is one of the foremost Christian attitudes..
It fosters the Christ-like graces that should be resident in us all.
It is the mark of a contented person; one who is not grasping for more. One who has learned to be content with his lot.

Ingratitude is a sin. Romans 1:21 says "...although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened."
Being ungrateful is at the root of spiritual rebellion.

Gratitude puts a cork in the bottle of covetousness; envious people have a hard time enjoying life because they are always envisioning those things that they don't have, whereas grateful men and women savour those thing that already exist.

Adventures with Hannah

Part 1 "Mimi, I can't get lost up here, I don't know my phone number yet!"
A very brilliant reflection for a four year-old, but she didn't quite get the fact that up on a mountain you wouldn't be any better off knowing your number since there was no where to call it.
"But I don't have to worry, I can always find my Mimi"

It was a perfect Autumn day. Not raining, but grey with expressive clouds and a comforting dampness in the air. I wanted to take Hannah to a corn maze but she was being a brat, so I took her up one of the mountains in Victoria instead. It has a breathtaking view of the southern tip of the island, the Gulf Islands and the U.S. It also has a lot of rocks and crags to climb all over. I think it's important (at the right stage) to let a kid challenge their coordination, to blaze the trail, and to see where the paths go. Of course, the lessons I learned in the process were endless.

I would take her along the paths to cool places, but her independence was raring to go. She would say "follow me Mimi!" and take us dangerously close to the edge, or she would slip on a wet rock. "Let's go this way! I know where to go", but ultimately we would hit a dead end and I would say "Hannah, sometimes the best way to get to where you want to go is by sticking to the path". So I would lead by example and follow the path.. and I would hear her behind me "wait for me, oops! ow!" and I would climb up to some cool point and see another breathtaking perspective and say "Hannah come here, you've gotta see this.." and she would say "I'm coming, wait for me" taking the longest way to get there.

She was very entertaining, and she was always safe, despite how irresponsible my care for her sounds by reading this. I was always a step away to catch her fall. Although sometimes I would let her fall. No tears, no scrapes, just a startled look and a dirty bum. She needed to learn her limitations, a healthy fear of the terrain, and how to use self-control.

Again, I caught a glimpse of God, the wise, caring Father, leading us along this rocky terrain of life. Always leading us in the right direction, to wondrous things, even if we can't see past the rocks in front of us. I also heard my voice. "No God, it's THIS way... this is the way I need to go". And He lets me go that way sometimes to learn about why it's so wise to trust Him.

Part 2 We were playing outside at a new park and there was an impressive structure for her to climb on. She started to climb it, but eventually she got to a height that in my wisdom, I knew was too dangerous for her to climb up to. The chances of her falling were great, and if she did fall, she could have really hurt herself. So I told her not to climb any further. She questioned me "Why?" because that's her favorite question, but after I explained she obeyed me. Sometimes she doesn't obey and she whines because her priority is fun, despite the danger.

I was reminded of my interactions with God. His wisdom is indescribably higher than mine, and we are told in the Bible that he is a God that loves His children. So when he steers me in a direction that I think doesn't meet my goals of happiness or fun, I get really upset and confused and I whine and even shake a fist at the sky. But He knows. He's asked me to trust Him, despite not being able to understand all things when I want to know them.

Later on we were at the park and my niece fell and scraped her leg. Dr. Mimi rescued her by checking for blood, and then holding her really close until she calmed down. With tears streaming down her dirty face she said so passionately "Mimi, I really wish that didn't happen". It had ruined her fun. I said to her, "I know" and I almost started crying. I have lived those things. I sit on God's lap and say desperately "God, I really wish that had not happened". Sometimes that perspective lasts a few months, then I am grateful for what I have learned out of the situation. Other hurts last for years: open ended, but still with the assurance that God says "I know".

tolerated intolerance

Spirituality 1 : something that in ecclesiastical law belongs to the church or to a cleric as such 2 : sensitivity or attachment to religious values 4 : the quality or state of being spiritual.

I struggle to understand why appreciating spirituality, a supposed transcendant idealogy, has a set of rules. World-wide journeys in spirituality are celebrated, written about; there are movies made and talk shows devoted. Self-awareness and spiritual enlightenment are buzz words for escaping meaningless and mundance existence and essential aids to overcome unjust or frustrating circumstances.
And yet, people leave the room the minute you start to say that there is 'one way'.

Everyone is searching, and researching the searching of others, but no one wants 'one way'.
"How dare you arrogantly assume that your journey has led you to one single Truth"
It's not that I believe that because someone claims to have the Truth that it should be accepted, but the fact that it is not even respected saddens me. It is one of many reasons that I believe that the quest for "spirituality" in this lifetime is futile and a chasing after the wind. It's a pop trend that changes nothing, it just adds pot pourri to the years where human kind feels lost.

I don't want spirituality, I want Truth.

I cannot deny the existence of a Being more intelligent and more intricate than I am. I don't believe it is in myself because the deeper I dig in self-revelation, the darker the hole gets. My best moments are still mediocre to the inkling I have of perfection. I am not trying to reach perfection in my own strength, but I believe the concept can be entertained. And if a Higher Being is not in me, it is CERTAINLY not in anyone else.

So, there is a Being outside of who I am that perhaps spins the world and has an influence of good and power. Who is this God? What do I need to do in order to be reconciled to Him in this lifetime? If there is a day of reckoning, or Judgment, what do I need to do, or believe in order to be on his side? Is He a Good God (as I understand goodness... helpful to human kind and creation), or evil (destructive towards the world)? If He is good, who is accountable for the evil? Is it humans, or an additional spiritual being?

I cannot believe that there are multiple answers to this. Logic defies the idea that there is a party of deities, each with their own groups and sects and on the day of judgment we all get ushered into different rooms or realms and get sorted out depending on which journey we chose. What if one's beliefs overlapped?? What if you believed in Nirvana and hell. Would a Buddhist god size you up to see if you qualify at the risk of the Catholic God arguing that the individual qualified for hell?

Can we know these kinds of things in this lifetime, or do we just try to be the best we can within the standards that we have been raised with, and hope that we chose the right path? What if you had Down Syndrome or a mentally disabling afflication and were unable to rationalize these types of lifestyle choices... is there justice for you then?Can anyone be 100% sure?

I am.

Do you judge me for it?

Glowing Gummy

colour blind

we know colour blindness is more than just mere tolerance. But it's also not simply identifying the mutual value of races.

it's not identifying.

the satellite effect

I find it really hard to live this life. I think/hope/cling to the thought that there are others out there in the same category, so I will write this entry on the assumption that that is true. You see every now and then I learn something that helps me in my efforts as a human and in my innocence (not arrogance, although that could easily be assumed), I can't wait to get my "learned lesson" out there to hopefully help others, so here goes...

God speaks to me in pictures a lot. He will teach me a concept, and then give me a picture to solidify it in my mind (and to give me catchy titles like the Satellite Effect). But first, the background:

So here is something I learned a long time ago.... You can't change people.
It was actually a STARTLING revelation. I would try to talk people into ANYTHING. Probably my most frequent victims were my parents.
"Of course I should be allowed to stay out past my curfew.. it's only a matter of time before you begin to see things my way." "This skirt isn't too short, you're just looking at it at the wrong angle."
My arguing skills primarily served to, well.. serve me! Even when I would try to argue people into the kingdom of heaven (which you can't do I discovered) it would be self-serving.

So.. further along the path, I learned that trying to manipulate people is often more effective than arguing. You can appear to be an angel of light with perfectly selfish motives! What can I say? I am Italian AND female (a lethal, but sexy combination I might add...).

Years pass, and through the Lord's sometimes gentle, often harsh breaking, I arrive at a relieving, and/or heart breaking conclusion:
you cannot change people.
You cannot make someone put the toilet seat down consistently, you can't convince someone that they should love you, call you more.... My mom has been trying to convince her mom for years that she has not joined a cult (Christianity), and that she doesn't call her only to get at her money.

So I asked God in my helplessness and confusion, "how do I deal?!"
And that's when he answered me with a simple picture of a satellite.
You can't change people, but you can be used to affect change in others. And actually, if one learns this chain of command, it will improve your life; it helps to lower expectations, and it lowers the amount of arguments and manipulations.

Think about a computer that beams a signal to a satellite and then the satellite beams it elsewhere. I'm sure you can do the figurative mathematics, but just to be thorough, I'll explain it to you. Let's say that you are struggling with your brother, sister, husband, wife, co-worker. You want them to be kinder, more attentive, more spiritual, etc. You can try to argue, manipulate... but neither of them works. Beam it up to the satellite (aka. God of the Universe). Put it in His hands (cast your burden on him) and LET IT GO. Then watch as His beams spontaneously start landing on earth... either on that person, or on YOU! Only the Holy Spirit can affect change in someone's life.

God is faithful, but we have to trust that he knows best and times things best. But what it does for me/you/us is that it places the responsibility in the hands of the creator, of the reconciler, of the lover of our souls, instead of with us. Pretty simple, pretty profound, pretty encouraging of love and surrender in the most precious places in our lives - relationships.

Struggling with someone? Don't choose to always correct, be disappointed, fight to get your way... instead, use it as an opportunity to see the Lord work in His miraculous ways in the other person's life, and especially your own. This is the role He EXPECTS to play in our lives.

Beam it up.

the valley of emotions

I used to get frustrated at the thought of my spiritual life having levels: certain seasons when things were so good, and then certain seasons when things were 'cold' (like I had gone down or back a level). It felt like it was possible that levels existed, but it messed with my theology.
Especially when I took into account that those seasons that seemed like I was closest to God, were not consistently when things were going well. In fact, in most recent years, I have deeply experienced the intimacy of God when my heart is broken, and I cannot see my way clearly.
I asked God to teach me about this, and He was faithful (of course) and gave me a little picture that I wanted to share with you (if anyone reads this at all).
The biggest issue was God showing me how easily I am swayed by my emotions. I would have a 'good' day, really focused on the Lord, His purposes and then something would set me off and I would get discouraged and begin to doubt that he even knew I existed.
Then God reminded me that I need to train my mind. There is not a presto-chang-o moment that will end my life as a 'moody' Christian, and begin my life as a saint with unfaltering faith. Instead, I can train my mind to no longer pursue sinful coping mechanisms. To use self-control in the area of emotions.
The picture I got was of me standing in a field, on a firm foundation. The Truth is, that I am always there on that firm foundation. Not by works, but by Grace. God's salvation work in me is complete. I am justified, and so there I stand, in the field, on a solid rock.
But as I stand there, a mist comes in and covers my eyes from seeing my firm foundation. Sometimes it's a mist, sometimes it's a thick cloud.
My untrained mind assumes I have faltered from my 'level' of faith and taken steps backward. But my renewed mind now sees the trick and I take the appropriate action: I remember that I have been firmly planted on one solid foundation for all time. I need to make a choice to seek the Truth that disperses the clouds and mist before my eyes.
All of a sudden I am Peter on the tumultuous waves and Jesus is saying "stop looking at the waves, look at me. Truth is not in the waves--they will only drag you down. It may seem impossible, but look at me: I am above the waves."
Circumstance does not dictate or change my intimate connection with the Truth of God and His love for me and His love in me.
It's a question of faith, and then faith in action.
As a female, the battle against emotions is a BIG one. But lately, it's as though I am living out miracles when I see God free me from the bondage and the idolatry of my emotions when I remember where I stand.