Overwhelming Motherhood Moments

Last night I had one of many moments of being totally overwhelmed.

Isabella was in the bath with shampoo in her hair SCREAMING because she didn't want me to wash it out. For some reason she is terrified of the "rinse cycle" of a hair wash. Adelle, meanwhile, is in her crib for a nap but she is crying out of control instead. Both situations are not too big of a deal, even if hearing your children scream is stressful, but it's what my mind adds to the situation that tips me over. I'm thinking "Oh God, I need to rinse her hair, but she is looking at me with fear in her eyes, wanting me to protect her. How am I going to do this without betraying her trust? Why is she so afraid of the water? Did I do something one time that ruined her perspective of a hair wash? Will she always be like this? I also have to deal with Adelle... I need her to sleep cuz if she doesn't she will be up for 3.5 straight hours and I will have a really overtired baby that I don't want to deal with. I can't leave Isabella alone in the bath to rock her, Oh God..."

And my stress levels get higher and higher and I just want to teleport out of the situation. I just don't know what is the best course of action with all the emotional stuff and the loud crying in my head. I manage to reign in my thoughts and make a decision that works for both and 5 minutes later there is total silence. Isabella has almost rinsed hair and Adelle is in the bouncy chair watching us.

This feeling of being overwhelmed ruins motherhood for me in the moment. And it's such a tight string of these moments lately. I know being totally sleep deprived adds to the struggle, but it's such a battle of the mind. I am wanting to figure it out... how to deal.... and I am reminded of another experience: labour.

When I was in labour with Isabella after hour 20 of contractions I had that feeling of wanting to escape my body... I resisted each contraction (making it worse) and it really pushed me mentally. I ended up fatigued, not progressing and with an epidural.

With Adelle's labour, I had more experience and I did not resist the contractions so they progressed well. I was in the moment, knowing the pain was taking me somewhere, instead of trying to drown me. But then at transition that feeling came again.... but my midwife encouraged me into the pushing stage. And then the most overwhelming moment of physical pain of my life was when Adelle's shoulder was stuck coming out. I can't describe to you the enmity I felt with my body. I want to crawl out of my skin as fast as possible. I was clawing and thrashing a bit and all of a sudden, the super experienced nurse put her mouth right to my ear, right where I could focus on it and she gave me one simple instruction: "small pushes". The big picture of my pain disappeared for a moment and in my mind I remember thinking, "I can do that." So small pushes. Then my midwife ordered me on all fours (which was a crazy experience) and again the nurse put her mouth to my ear and whispered another simple instruction: "hold your breath and push hard!" Then I thought "I can do that". So I did and it was all over and the euphoric bliss of the whole experience of pain ending flooded the room, my mind, my body.

I am drawing the wisdom of that situation into this motherhood experience. Allowing the simple instructions of the Holy Spirit to drown out the monologue of stress in my mind and to face each overwhelming moment. I don't need to resist and escape, I can press in and see what this moment has to offer in its experience for the next moment.

I lay Adelle in her crib after nursing her one last time before I go to (interrupted) sleep. I kiss her cheeks for almost a minute. No one is there to see it but the Lord. I feel His smile... no one loves babies like God loves babies. I feel His pleasure over me loving my little girl and I weep for that love from Him to me to her.

I have thought of the story of baby Moses differently after becoming a mother. What an amazing God that not only did he spare Moses from being killed by the Pharoah, but in His mercy, the Pharoah's daughter who adopted Moses designated Moses mother to nurse him and to take care of him (not having to work in the brickyards) until he was a kid. Can you imagine the stress and how overwhelming it would be to have to hide your baby from being killed, then giving him up for his own safety and then having him handed back to take care of in protection of the palace?! God loves mothers, He loves babies.

I start my day with this post and with the knowledge that my God absolutely cares for me and my children and He has all that I need to make it through the overwhelming moments for the sake of JOY in motherhood.

A Story of Birth and Motherhood

Natural Birth
Adelle Serena Miller arrived screaming and messy as many babies do. The lead up to her birth was hopes for a different type of labour and delivery experience than my first. I had an amazing amount of prayer and blessing from family/friends and the residue of that fellowship impacts me even now. The scripture verses I asked for are literally changing my life. The time people took to assure me, pray for me and hope for me were and are such a ray of sunshine in my remembrance of what has transpired.

Now for the nitty gritty. I had a natural birth, yes, but there is nothing natural about it! It did not, at any point, feel natural to be pushing this baby out of my vagina. It actually felt more like I was about to split open and no one cared to stop that from happening. They just looked at me with hopeful eyes saying things like "you are doing great! The baby is coming!"

Villains.

I am not being un-serious, but on a more mature note, I am so grateful that I had a natural birth and I really do credit my "team" for pulling that off. My doula Cara is the reason why I had a natural birth - she kept me focused. My midwife Kim was stoic and amazing. My sister Paola was comic relief (although when she showed up I think I told her "hi, now disappear") and a familial witness. The nurse that came at the end gave some instrumental pushing direction that kept me on task. Last, but not least, my husband Roger was exactly where I wanted him - just watching - supporting from afar. No disrespect to him, but for some reason, even with my first, labour and delivery is very much a woman's sport and I had no real desire to be supported by someone who hadn't been through it.

It's a fairly common story... I started early labour at around 8am, went to Willows Beach with my daughter and dad and tried stay distracted but mobile. In the afternoon things started getting more intense so I started using the TENS machine (which is INCREDIBLE) and I had a friend come and bring her daughter to play with Isabella. By late afternoon I fully handed Isabella over to Roger and I went into my room to suffer :) I put out my scripture cards - which brought such strength and focus. And when it started to get too intense that I thought I was wavering, I called Doula Cara. Cara and I graduated from high school together and we've been friends a long time. It was such a privilege to have her be a part of this experience. She was incredible: supportive, helpful, focused, sympathetic, compassionate and she kept me from getting an epidural. I really did need an epidural with my first, but it almost sabotaged me three times when I just wanted that magical elixir in my spine to make all the pain go away. God used Cara as an ambassador to keep me going!

Soon the sneaky feeling of pushing was coming so I called my midwife and we were off to the hospital. This was the moment of truth. If she checked me and I was only 5cm, I would have not been talked out of getting an epidural. It wasn't even about the pain, it was the mental game of not knowing how long this party would last for. With Isabella it was 39hrs from my water breaking to her being born, so my big fear the whole time was that it would take days. I couldn't shake that fear either, but thankfully I was 8cm when she checked me. From when I arrived at the hospital to Adelle's birth was only 2 hrs, but it was the longest 2 hrs of my life! Transition was as described to me - just when you are ready to check out of your body and demand an end, it's time to push. Pushing was definitely a welcome change. I felt more in control and more productive. I can't remember how long I pushed for, but it was probably about 30-40mins. The ring of fire was just that, and that was my third and final time of almost giving up entirely. I totally lost it for a few seconds because her head was out but her shoulders were stuck and that pain was mind altering. But with all her wisdom, the midwife had me flip over and I pushed Adelle out on my hands and knees. Roger got woozy at this point, but I finally experienced the indescribable relief of it being over.... the baby was out, I wasn't pregnant anymore, I wasn't contracting anymore, the baby was safe, I wasn't dead or split open (well not very much). I was, however, on all fours, with a bloody child underneath me and I had no idea what to do! I got on my back somehow and they slapped the wet, screaming baby on my chest and the "clean up" process began. 10:44pm My sister informed me that the baby had a ball-gina (our word for the swollen vagina girls are born with), so the mystery was revealed! I was so happy! Bummed that Roger didn't get his boy, but neither of us felt any emotions like that for long. Two tiny tears, a shower, a first nursing, got dressed and loaded onto a hospital wheel chair and did the victory lap to the mother and babe unit.

I had a private room for two days and it was so peaceful and perfect. I love the aftercare, I love not having my laundry to stare at, I love the peace and quiet and the break from my little poopsie Isabella. It was a blessed time of bonding and resting. I greatly respect the home birth experience, but I am a hospital girl all the way.

I don't know if I will have more children, but I am also a huge fan of the epidural ;)

Newborns
I have to be honest in a way that exposes me..... I don't like newborns in general. I have about a minute long attention span for them. They are cute, "welcome to the world" and then bye-bye.
But MY newborn..I don't know what it is, I am drinking in her goofiness and soft cheeks on a minute basis. It might just be that it's the second time around and there is less anxiety (see next section for the full picture of that comment!) about certain things and I can just enjoy her, or the fascination with this miniature human that is created to make either completely endearing, cute little gestures, cuddles or totally entertaining old man faces and grunts.


My milk came in after a couple of days and with it came a flood of emotions. The "crazy love" as I call it, where on one hand there is such an overwhelming amount of love and adoration for not just the new kid, but one's whole family, and then the heartbreak of wanting them to only experience the best and safest that life has to offer. For me, it is usually at these surges of emotions that I find the loss of my mom almost unbearable. I think about her holding and kissing me as a newborn, and I miss that I can't share any of this with her. I feel small in the timeline of history and life feels so brief and sad some times. My parents relished our childhood and now it has blossomed into adulthood and grand parenting for my dad, but the major witness to his life has moved on without him and I almost can't breathe thinking about it. Even in my own short stint as a parent - I find it staggering that I have already lived out two years with my first child, and those sleepless, frightening nights when I rocked her and didn't know what to do but watch her sleepy grins as she finally fell asleep, are over. That is when I remember that there is only one true, constant witness of our life, our Father God in heaven and it is such a huge relief to know that with all the brokenness and beauty in this life, there is a bigger plan and by His grace, it is a plan that rocks.


Siblings
When I found out I was pregnant, I most certainly grieved the thought of it no longer being just me and my sidekick, Isabella. Her and I are two peas in a pod and do almost everything together and now I was changing that. I haven't grieved it quite as long as others perhaps because I felt so strongly that I was giving her such an amazing gift to have a sibling. She is incredibly social, loves babies and kids and will be a great sibling. The other reason I moved on from those thoughts was because I need another child. Isabella and I are VERY attached and I need her to not be the centre of my universe. It's too overwhelming of a relationship for me to have her be the only one. This might not be something anyone can relate to, but I need the balance of sharing my love with another child (or children). So while I still have sadness and giving it up, it's right for us and I am grateful.


My mother-in-law had a great idea that when I was at the hospital with the new baby, not to bring Isabella and then take her away (she would be traumatized), but to bring her when we were ready to bring the baby home and we could all leave together. It was a great idea and it worked, kind of. Isabella did great while I was away, but she was definitely showing some acting out signs, so it was a bit more stressful than my romantic notions, but still incredibly priceless when she met baby "salmon" (what she called her in my belly) for the first time. I had prepped her LOTS with books (the ones by Rachel Fuller are perfect), the run down of what would happen when the baby would "pop out" and she was a pro. I hear her coming into the room "the baby popped out!" and she came and was so gentle and gave kisses and it was a beautiful, tender moment. There have been more of those kind of moments then the other since then, but the breastfeeding balance, and the fact that mommy has been banished to "bed rest" by everyone is really wearing on her. I cry a lot about it. I feel for her tender little heart that is experiencing such great change. I know that these days of adjustment will transition into our new normal, but we still have to go through it, and it's hard. It's actually the biggest adjustment for me and the most emotional part of this whole journey. I remember a friend saying that when you have two, the newborn isn't usually the problem, the older one is, and I am experiencing that.

I am excited for the days to come. My emotional core cracking with hormones is probably a good cleansing for the soul as soon life will hit a stride and there will be no time to focus on those sensitive areas of the heart. I won't be on Facebook, but look us up one of these days...the family of four: Roger, Miriam, Isabella and Adelle Miller.

So Now I Have a Newborn.... What do I do with it?

I can still remember the way the sunlight streamed in the dining room and twinkled off the dishes of glorious food that a dear family friend had brought over. It was perfection.... the beginning of May, lovely, balmy weather, food, wine and friends and a newborn cooing in the bassinet close by.

So why was I bawling? I had no idea! Turns out it was likely hormones, but I was also just feeling COMPLETELY overwhelmed by this new experience and I was now feeling guilty for enjoying food while my newborn was by herself cooing.

Although I have been around a ton of babies and kids, this perspective was a hard one to adapt to and I had really no idea what to do with her!

If you can relate, or might be able to relate, this is for you:

NONE of this is to replace the advice of a sound health practitioner. Just make sure you are listening to a good one, and comparing the info to other sources.

Feeding
Babies' first meal at the breast is colostrum. There is not a whole lot of it that comes out, but it's just enough to get that baby sucking up a storm to encourage the flood gates of milk to open! (Besides, they have quite a bit of reserve in their tummy from the womb - so enjoy the rest in those first 24-48hrs while you can because their hunger is about to arrive!) When the "milk comes in", it's suggested a baby feed every 1.5-2hrs. Depending on the weight and health of your child, this might even be encouraged throughout the night - setting an alarm to feed. If a baby is a good size, latching on well and the eating is progressing steadily, there is no reason to set an alarm to feed your newborn unless they are sleeping for too long in the first couple of weeks. Seasoned moms would not wake a newborn to feed it, they prefer sleep, but a new mom might feel more comfortable going 3-4hr stretches at night to start.

Breast milk supply is established in the first 2-4 months. Often the initial engorgement goes down after this and a new "norm" for breast size and fullness is revealed. It is usually around then that leaking at night stops (unless baby is sleeping longer stretches) and one feels a little more comfortable with the whole breastfeeding experience.

Babies' sucking needs help to establish milk supply and bonding between mom and babe. The frequency of the need to suck will most likely change after this period and a feeding rhythm will either emerge or can easily be established. That is why I agree strongly with the school of thought that discourages pacifiers within the first 4 months (see note on good uses for a pacifier below). The feeds take a LONG time to start. Anywhere from 20-60mins! Newborns will often fall asleep at the breast and there are a lot of good resources available that have tips on how to keep them awake.

Take heart! The feeds get more efficient as time goes on (one of the cute pieces of evidence are the big cheeks that form! The fat cushions the strengthening jaw muscles). You may one day marvel that the feeds get as efficient as 10-15mins!

Hot tip: Train yourself to drink a large glass of water at EVERY feed. Not only does breastfeeding rob your body of a lot of water, thereby making dehydration likely, but water intake impacts milk supply.

Hot tip: Learn to slow down and relax. Allow yourself (perhaps for the first time ever) to do nothing while you nurse. Soon the baby will be so distracted when its eating that the soothing doting feeds will be missed, so enjoy!

Hot tip: Be good to your posture while nursing! There is a pain that is not yet known to a woman who has not breastfed. Staring down at your child, holding them, sitting wrong... all these things can cause major strain on your upper back. Bring the baby right to breast level with a really plush nursing pillow or alternative. Keep your shoulders relaxed and down. Staring at the baby is a non-negotiable, but if you are keep the rest of your body in check, this won't bother you as badly.

An interesting overview of breastfeeding from a biological perspective: the hormone prolactin that is released in the body to produce the function of breastfeeding has a cycle. A low time and a spike. For some reason the spike happens during the middle of the night. But the drop often happens in the evening, before bed. Each feed is valuable, but a baby actually stores up the calories it needs to last for the night during the day, so don't be too frustrated that you don't have enough milk in the evening. Although a significant drop could be a sign of need for intervention, having less does not mean that the baby did not eat enough for the day. Evening fussiness is a well known phenomenon for babies, even babies of moms with constantly gushing milk and moms that have "just enough". Here is some good, and concise info on prolactin levels from one of my favourite sites: kellymom.com http://kellymom.com/bf/normal/prolactin-levels/

Pacifiers
Bad uses:

• Replacing time at the breast **Pacifiers can be very counter productive to establishing good milk supply
• A sleep aid (it's a crutch that is hard to let go of and sleep research shows that a sleep aid like a pacifier work against a child's need to learn to self-sooth)
• Main soothing technique. Parents will need to have lots of tools in their parenting tool box to calm and soothe their infants, toddlers and children. A pacifier can cause stress when it is all a parent has to offer a child and a) it isn't working or b) it was forgotten at home, or can't be found.

 Good uses:

• Car seat fussiness. Driving with a screaming baby is very stressful. A pacifier is one of few distractions that work on young infants that are not able to hold toys or see what is passing outside the window (check out more tips in the "Playtime/Distracting" section).
• For dad to have a tool in those early months if mom is away
• Occasionally using it to put a baby to sleep then popping it out of their mouth.

Personal Care:
Baths:
This pregnancy I have learned of a school of thought that discourages bathing a baby in the hospital or right away that I am interested in applying. Feel free to look into it yourself: http://www.givingbirthnaturally.com/newborn-baby-care.html#bath

My note is about tips for bathing your newborn at home when it's the right time. a) newborns don't need to be bathed once a day. They are rarely "dirty" and their skin is super sensitive. One can even wait over 4 days to bath their baby. The only dirt that comes their way is breast milk in their creases and pooping! The breast milk can be kept out of creases by nursing with a bib or a receiving blanket under their chin and under your breast (helps you from being drenched in milk too).

Hot tip: Crank the heat up in your bathroom for an hour before bath time and the baby will not notice the temperature change as dramatically and might love baths sooner than otherwise.

As for diaper changes...

I HIGHLY recommend using cloth wipes with water for at least 3-4 months. Pros:

• much better for baby's skin
• saves money on wipes (that are loaded with chemicals)
• easy to clean - newborn poop (after the meconium) is extremely water soluble
• Cleans way better, less need for baths because of blowouts, etc.

The easiest thing is to fill a spray bottle of warm water in the morning and use it to spray the cloth at diaper changes. Change the water daily and wash out the bottle every few days.

Diaper Cream:
Diaper cream is NOT preventative and the common ones purchased in a drugstore are mineral oil based and have chemicals. Only use a cream if there is a problem. Olive oil is a great lotion for after bath time and as a diaper cream. But there are many natural ones out there that come highly recommended. This is one recently recommended to me: http://www.dimpleskinsnaturals.com/bbb.htm
This is a cloth diaper safe cream.

Playtime & Distractions:
Touch is the best play for a newborn. Cooing sounds and low stimulation - all of this will come so naturally. Another thing that is amazing for mom, dad and babe is baby wearing. Getting a good baby carrier and having baby everywhere with you - smelling mom and dad, hearing your heartbeat - is such a good transition from the womb to the shocking world.
One thing I didn't know that would also be good for babe is just time lying on their back by them self. They need to decompress and allow all the new stimulation to be absorbed. I felt guilty for this, but it's a good thing. Especially if they can hear you near by. This is also a good way for a baby to learn to drift off to sleep.

Car seat Distractions:
Some parents LOVE car rides with their infants because it instantly puts them to sleep whereas others break into a cold sweat when they have to go on a car ride. I can picture me on the side of the road, hazards on, swing the car seat to try to calm my INCONSOLABLE baby. Or begging Roger to run red lights because when we stopped she would wake up or freak out.

Tips:

• The $3.99 Bright Star rattle. Shake it rhythmically near them and they care lulled to sleep or calmed. I want to kiss the maker of that thing.
• Baby Mozart, or a CD that has quite a punchiness to it
• Open with window and blast them with some fresh air to shock them.
• I have known people that have breastfed in the backseat while someone else is driving. I have not pulled it off, but have tried!!
•  

Books: Who or what are you to me?

In I Samuel 8 the faithless Israelites stoop to a new low: they beg God to appoint over them a king. God reasons with them that a king will not treat them as fairly and as faithfully as He will, but they are convinced this is what they need to truly thrive as a nation. And so the history of Israel (and the off-shoot Judah) becomes a chronicle of faithless deeds, evil, abandonment of their True God as well God’s constant redemption of the mess they have made. It’s a frustrating saga of a people that just didn’t get it.

Their story is our story. Their stubbornness and pride is ours as we approach God. I want life to be easy, not messy and I have many excuses for not taking the time to learn and grow directly from God. I want a pastor, a preacher, a book writer to eat of the Word, chew it up and spit it out to me in a more palatable chunk of encouragement.

When it comes to your life, who is your king that you have crowned over God?

These thoughts come to me in the wake being asked to review a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It’s a New York Times bestseller and is popular for many good reasons. Voskamp is easy to relate to. Her views from the trenches of Christian faith (through human suffering) are familiar. Losing her little sister at a young age starts the journey of finding God in the brokenness and heartache of life. If you cannot relate to deep loss, you might relate to her as a parent (although in this day and age, being a homeschooling mom of six certainly puts her in her own award-winning category!) or as a sojourner of faith, restless with a status quo life; living a satisfied dissatisfaction as she salivates and hungers for more of the spiritual life we are promised in the Word.

The book is well praised as to its style and poetic offerings. Her stories are relevant and revelatory. The book is also reviewed by some as having some minor theological confusion; but it’s unanimous that her heart is clear and steady and therefore the issues are sidelined for the meat and potatoes being offered on more important things like grace, thanksgiving and joy. The book is not without some controversy on a chapter where more graphic illusions to intercourse and intimacy are aligned with our relationship with God. But the biggest controversy for me goes back to that passage in I Samuel. Thousands and thousands of people have had a life change from reading this book – reminiscent of The Shack by William P. Young and many others like it.

You see, the scripture verses and the journey to discovery that these writers have found is available to all of us, but reading about seems to be a favoured way that the masses consume a spiritual experience. Don’t bother living your own spiritual life, you can borrow mine if I write a blog, or a book or preach a sermon. It’s a part of our modern day church consumerism that will likely have people jumping from fix to fix  - from one best seller to the next.

Who is your king? Is it the King of Kings who beckons us at every moment of the day to be solely dependant upon Him?

I believe that fellowship can come in different forms – it can come from coffee with friends, gathering for church, an email from far away, or reading a book from a believer you will likely never meet, but does it complement our daily, momentary efforts to commune with God, or does it eclipse the true source of our Life and substitute it with a baby food version of it.

A thousand gifts, written as a list of one thousand blessings in Voskamp’s life, can enrich your life because it is bathed in scripture and it points to Jesus. Read it and be blessed by it. Use discernment as you thumb its pages because it isn’t Scripture, and therefore flawed. Allow your true devotional time to be spent digging into the Word and your own journey of faith so that your life is authentic, like hers. This challenge reminds me of the opening pages of an extraordinary book by Jackie Pullinger called Chasing the Dragon. Before she even writes one word of her own story, she writes this: “Go! Write your own books. Go!”

First Loves (A Tribute)

I spent the first year of my life falling in love with my mother's face.

It was the first bond I ever knew.

At 4am my little girl stirring startled me out of the most wonderful dream...
I was back in Italy again with HER. The lovely thing was that it felt completely normal to be there together. My mom and I were walking down the street and met up with our favorite Italian, Rosa. We found her and gave her a hug. The sun was shining, my heart was warm and I looked at them and mentioned how perfect it was that the three of us were back together again. We kept walking and Rosa turned the corner and my mom held me back and with a laugh told me she bought me a gift.

The shining sun snapped to dark and I was back in my room with a hungry Isabella waking up.
I burst into tears, sobbing, and picked up my helpless little girl and helped her to my chest.

You see, its a bond that has not been broken - it's still there body and soul. Every time she held me in her arms, or to her breast, I was falling more in love with her face, the sound of her voice, the smell and touch of her skin. There are only a few other things in life that made as much sense to me as my mother's love. It was a warm space around me physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially and spiritually.

That is why my heart is broken. That is why I will never get over it or stop missing my mom.

It turns out Isabella is a faker. She took one sip of milk and went back to sleep making her funny little faces while she snoozed. She just wanted to be close to me as she slept. Safe, loved.
Will this little one have the chance to fall in love with me the way I fell in love with my mom?
I hope she never has to feel this pain I feel: sitting in bed with a new baby, wondering how 31 years of a mother's physical presence went by so fast; and how empty life feels without her.

I wish I could just snuggle in her arms, or look at her face, or, or, or.....

The Good News

Recently a friend of mine posted an article that had a real impact on me. It was about a ring of child pornographers that had been busted and brought to justice. The story was victorious in that very evil people were caught and stopped, but it was very tragic on the other hand in that the article explained the evil that was being committed, and it was heart-wrenching and difficult to bear. Children are born into sin, but there is an innocence that they possess to things like violence, cruelty, sexual perversion, and other evils that make them the saddest victim on the planet. Not only do we desire to protect them because they are little and vulnerable, but we feel sick to think of that innocence being taken from them.

Looking back, I feel there was an inevitable innocence that is lost as I have grown up. A part of it is totally natural - I was meant to come into an understanding of good and evil and to be accountable to that knowledge, but I also believe that I have been bombarded with, and have chosen to be exposed to images, stories, and situations that have put an unnecessary burden on my mind and heart. I am so grateful that I have a relationship with God that is real and effective and He can restore in my heart & mind broken, fearful, and hurting places.

And so when I was originally overwhelmed by the sadness of the story of the abused children in that article, I went to God, pleading with Him to ease my mind from the distress (not only pain for the children that are and have been victims, but also fear for the safety of my own child and the children of my family and friends). God told me a couple of things that were so assuring and I wanted to share them with you. First of all, He told me that to worry frantically about these things is "above my paygrade". God is the one that is in control - He is Father God and He is the Master and Commander of the Universe. All of those job titles assure me that He is much better equipped to carry the burden of these situations than I am. In fact, I believe He was the one that orchestrated the justice brought in this horrifying situation, which I would have never been able to accomplish! He is the defender of the weak and vulnerable.

I will also never understand His whole plan for the world and all those that are in it from the dawn of time until He calls us all home to glory. So although I hear about unspeakable pain and suffering and think it overwhelming, He sees the big picture and it makes sense to Him.

The other thing He told me is that His plan has Redemption and Love at the heart of it. What happens on this earth is not the conclusion of the story. The real story has to do with a Father allowing His only son Jesus to suffer a horrifying death in order to herald the true end of the story: Victory and Eternal Life. It's a love story, and although it has bumps and bruises along the way, it is all to bring about the eternal redemption that we all need.

So when I pleaded with God about what I could do to save these children and other children from such despicable harm, He told me "share the Gospel". The Gospel is the only answer to sin and evil. No amount of programming or money can do more than what the Gospel does to someone who has given themselves over to such evil, they would harm or take another life. Nothing more powerful or healing than the Gospel to a wounded and broken person who has had everything taken from them.

With all the "ratings" that bad news attracts, it is easy to forget that there is good news all around us, and all over the world that we don't get to hear about. It's the news of the Gospel spreading to hearts all over the globe and people being reconciled with their Creator, and being healed and made whole even despite their life circumstances. The JOY that comes with the Gospel is the privilege that we get to share it if we know the story of the Gospel, and truly believe it to be GOOD NEWS!

Speak Life, Be Teachable, Cultivate JOY

Meditations from Proverbs 15

Speak Life:
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.

The soothing tongue is a tree of life,
but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.

A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,
but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

A person finds joy in giving an apt reply—
and how good is a timely word!

The heart of the righteous weighs its answers,
but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.

Light in a messenger’s eyes brings joy to the heart,
and good news gives health to the bones.

Be Teachable:
A fool spurns a parent’s discipline,
but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.

Stern discipline awaits anyone who leaves the path;
the one who hates correction will die.

Mockers resent correction,
so they avoid the wise.

Plans fail for lack of counsel,
but with many advisers they succeed.

Whoever heeds life-giving correction
will be at home among the wise.

Those who disregard discipline despise themselves,
but the one who heeds correction gains understanding.

Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD,
and humility comes before honor.

Cultivate Joy:
A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
but heartache crushes the spirit.

Better a little with the fear of the LORD
than great wealth with turmoil.

Better a small serving of vegetables with love
than a fattened calf with hatred.

A person finds joy in giving an apt reply—
and how good is a timely word!

Light in a messenger’s eyes brings joy to the heart,
and good news gives health to the bones.